Proof That Love And Space Don’t Mix Or Alternately What’s In The Tang These Days?

07 Feb, 2007 by John Hawkins

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The lovesick, deranged astronaut story just gets more and more fascinating as the details continue to come out (emphasis mine):

“Hiding her face from the cameras, astronaut Lisa Nowak returned to Texas on Wednesday, a day after being charged in Florida with trying to murder the woman she believed was her romantic rival for a space shuttle pilot’s affections.

…Nowak was charged in Orlando on Tuesday with attempted first-degree murder, attempted kidnapping and three other crimes stemming from what police described as a love triangle involving a fellow astronaut. She was released on bail but ordered to stay away from the other woman and to wear a monitoring device.

…Her arrest was a remarkable downfall for a woman whose life seemed to be on a perfect trajectory until a few months ago.

Nowak became an astronaut after winning a series of Navy service awards. She had flown on the shuttle Discovery, and was a mother of three children. She said in a September interview with Ladies Home Journal that her husband, Richard, “works in Mission Control, so he’s part of the whole space business, too. And supportive also.”

…Police charged Nowak with attempting to murder Colleen Shipman based on weapons and other items found with Nowak or in her car: pepper spray, a BB-gun, a new steel mallet, knife and rubber tubing.

…Nowak posted $25,500 bail Tuesday evening, and NASA put her on a 30-day leave and removed her from mission activities.

In court Tuesday in Florida, Shipman filed a request for a protective order against Nowak, asking that Nowak be prohibited from going within 500 feet of her. In the handwritten request, she described Nowak as “acquaintance of boyfriend,” but did not identify the man. She said Nowak had stalked her for two months.

Nowak and Oefelein (OH’-fuh-line), who both live in the Houston area, had trained together as astronauts, but never flew into space together. Shipman works at Patrick Air Force Base near Kennedy Space Center.

Earlier, Nowak was quoted by police as saying she and Oefelein had something “more than a working relationship but less than a romantic relationship.”

Police found a letter in Nowak’s car, however, that “indicated how much Mrs. Nowak loved Mr. Oefelein,” an arrest affidavit said. And Nowak had copies of e-mails between Shipman and Oefelein.

…Nowak, accustomed to wearing astronaut diapers during the space shuttle’s launch and return to Earth, wore them on the drive from Houston so she would not have to make bathroom stops as she raced to confront Shipman at the Orlando International Airport, police said.

Then, according to police, Nowak donned a wig and trench coat, boarded an airport shuttle bus with Shipman and followed her to her car. Crying, Nowak sprayed a chemical into the car. Shipman drove to a parking lot booth for help.”

So, we had a crazy astronaut with a diaper full of pee apparently planning to kidnap a woman who was dating a guy she had a crush on and then, once she got her alone somewhere, she was going to use the steel mallet and knife on her. After that, she was going to — what — bury her alive with only a tube to breath through? Not being a sociopath who plans out horrible things to do to people involving rubber tubing, I’m just taking a best guess there, so maybe I’m missing something.

One of the details here that I find fascinating is that the article said that crazy astronaut lady and Oefelein had, “more than a working relationship, but less than a romantic relationship.” Does that mean they hooked up once or that the guy went to lunch with her a couple of times at Chi-Chis? Either way, can you believe they let this nutjob loose on bond? I mean, we’re not just talking about a run of the mill nutjob who thinks that Bush blew up the World Trade Center so he’d have an excuse to invade Afghanistan in order to takeover their profitable rug industry, we’re talking about a “I’m going to stab you over and over again for glancing at the man I love” nutjob.

PS: When does Nowak declare that she should be let off because the alcohol made her do it and that won’t be a problem anymore because she’s going to a treatment center? Hey, it worked for Mel Gibson and Gavin Newsom.

In fact, it’s almost enough to make me want to start drinking. You know, so in case something like this happens, I’ll be prepared:

“Police Officer: You pushed that hippie with the Bush = Hitler sign in front of a bus. What’s wrong with you, man?

John Hawkins: Come on, you telling me you’ve never wanted to push a hippie in front of a bus?

Police Officer: Are you kidding me? Of course, I did. The first words out of my mouth after I saw you do it was, “Wow, that is the coolest thing I’ve seen all year,” and…wait a second, it’s still illegal, buddy.

John Hawkins: Gosh, you’re right. I – I – I guess it was the alcohol that made me do it. I think this is the final event that will push me to get treatment.

Police Officer: Oh, so you were drunk when you tried to murder that hippie and you want to get help? Well, that’s an entirely different matter. You’re free to go!

John Hawkins: Thank you, officer! I’m heading over to the clinic right now and I promise never to drink half of a beer again for the rest of my life!

PS #2: Of course, I’m not endorsing pushing hippies in front of a bus — I was just kidding. I mean, with a police officer right there? Come on, I’m smarter than that ;D