Q&A Friday #31: Angelina Jolie Or Jennifer Aniston?

Question: “Alright, on that note: Angelina Jolie, or Jennifer Aniston?” — maledicta

Answer: You have Jennifer Aniston, who has the ultimate girl next door look and then you have curvier and more exotic looking Angelina Jolie. Both of them are rich, famous, and talented women and at first glance, you’d think any single guy would jump at the chance to be with either of them.

However, I have to tell you, I know a little too much about Jolie to even make this a fair contest. In fact, Jolie is so daffy, that I wouldn’t even want to go out on a date with her. I know you’re thinking, “Come on, Hawkins, you’re just talking trash. What red blooded American man would turn down a chance to go out with Angelina Jolie?”

Right here, folks. I’m that guy.

First of all, she swings both ways. Now, I know most guys think that’s great, but I’ve known more than one guy who has had to suffer through the embarrassment of having his girlfriend dump him for another woman. And Jolie has apparently had a decade long affair with Jenny Shimizu, who’s probably the least attractive “super model” I’ve ever seen in my life (and yes, I’m including Grace Jones in that group). In and of itself, that’s a killer. But then there’s the fact you couldn’t even trust Jolie alone with another guy for 5 minutes because she has fallen for men she has done films with multiple times.

On top of that, we’re also talking about a woman who once tried to hire someone to kill her, wore clothes decorated with her own blood, kept a vial of former husband Billy Bob Thornton’s blood around her neck, and has engaged in knife play during sex. I’m sorry, but there’s no woman on earth beautiful enough to make that freakshow endurable.

So, it’s Jennifer Aniston in a landslide.

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