Return to Sender — Satire By Iowahawk

Dear 3rd District Voter:

Are you sick and tired of Bill Clinton and his tax-and-spend insider Democrat friends in Congress? Then please cast your vote me, Jerry Bristol, in the upcoming 1994 election for the 3rd District seat in the United States House of Representatives.

As a small businessman, I know how all of us here in the 3rd District are being affected by regulations and taxes from unaccountable Washington bureaucrats like 3rd District Democrat incumbent Chuck Larson. After 7 terms in Congress, Larson is out of touch with the problems we face here. As a proud Republican with a no-nonsense, can-do attitude, I will fight tirelessly to bring Ronald Reagan’s small government principles back to Washington. My background:

* Eagle Scout
* BA, Political Science, St. Myrtle College 1977
* Law Degree, Townsburg State U. 1980
* Private law practice in Townsburgh 1981-present
* Married to wife Kathy since 1983
* Community and chuch volunteer

In addition, I am a proud endorser of the GOP’s Contract With America, a proud signatory to the Term Limit Pledge, and have received the endorsement of Citizens Against Government Waste.

So please, when you vote next Tuesday, cast your ballot for Jerry Bristol. Together we can get America back on the right track!

Sincerely,
Jerry Bristol

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From the Desk of Congressman Jerry T. Bristol

Dear 3rd District Constituent:

During my first term in Washington, I am proud of the many accomplishments that I achieved with the help of my fellow Republican caucus members. We helped rein in taxes, limit the growth of government, and bring a new era of transparency to Washington.

It was a great start, but I’m sure you know that much is yet to be done. That’s why I’m asking you to vote to return me to Congress for another two years before my voluntary 1998 term limit. If re-elected I will fight tirelessly to carry on the Reagan agenda of small government, a strong military, and family values.

And while you’re at it, won’t you please support my campaign with a financial donation? Pledge forms are enclosed, as well as a schedule of fundraising events for the “Friends of Jerry” campaign cavalcade. With your help and financial assistance, we can bring back more of what made America great.

Sincerely,

Congressman Jerry Bristol

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A Special Message To the Women of District 3

The job of a Congressional wife is often difficult, with a husband who works tirelessly for voters like you. Unfortunately, as we have all recently learned from the biased liberals of the Townsburgh media, sometimes that means late night legislative sessions with sexually predatory aides. If I can find it in my heart to forgive Jerry for succumbing to a brief videotaped human weakness, shouldn’t you?

Now that Jerry has apologized and dropped out of the U.S. Senate race in the Fall, he is ready to return to the House for a third term and work even more tirelessly for you than ever. If re-elected he will serve on several important committees, and has personally pledged to me to seek counseling for his problem.

So please, let’s get beyond the past and send Bristol back to Washington for a third chance. Together, we can get the resources our community, and our children, so desperately need.

Sincerely,
Kathy Bristol

PS – Won’t you please look over the enclosed campaign donation materials? Every little bit helps.

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From the Desk of Congressman Jerry T. Bristol

Dear 3rd District Voter:

If I’ve learned anything in my six years in Congress, it’s that leadership and experience counts. Experienced leadership that leads to important committee leadership positions, like Vice Chairman of the Select Subcommittee on Education Reform. It’s a position I’m proud to have earned through my tireless work for you, the people of the 3rd District.

If you re-elect me to another term, I will work even harder to institute the tough-but-tender principles of compassionate conservatism for all our children. Principles like multicultural algebra testing and the universal pre-natal Mozart program. It’s the kind of dedicated, experienced leadership that has earned me the endorsement of the national and state education association, the National Textbook Sellers Association, and the Government Check Printers Union.

When you cast your ballot in 2000, remember that experience counts — vote to re-elect Bristol. Together we can make Washington work for all of us!

Sincerely,

Jerry Bristol
“The Third District’s Voice in Congress”

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From the Desk of Congressman Jerry T. Bristol

Dear 3rd District Voter:

The craven terrorist strikes of September 11 last year showed that we live in a dangerous world, with a bloodthirsty enemy who will stop at nothing to kill innocent Americans. This is no time to show weakness to that enemy. I support President Bush and his strategy of taking the fight directly to the terrorists throughout the Mideast. I also support keeping the American homeland safe by toughened security and safe borders.

As proof of that commitment, I have secured funding for Townsburg’s new Homeland Security Department Multicultural Sensitivity Training Center. This exciting new $300 million facility will provide over 200 permanent unionized jobs in our district, and will provide teaching opportunities for professors from the new Prince bin al-Talweed Mideast Studies Center at Townsburgh State.

So when you pull that lever in 2002, vote Bristol, the only candidate endorsed by Grover Norquist. Together we can stop the terrorists in their tracks!

Sincerely,

Jerry T. Bristol
American Patriot

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Desde el Escritorio del Congresista Jerry Bristol

Hola amigos! Bienvenidos al tercer distrito del Congreso. Espero que ustedes están disfrutando de nuevos puestos de trabajo en los Estados Unidos, gracias a la Bristol programa de trabajadores invitados.

Si usted vota por mí en noviembre de 2004 voy a trabajar incansablemente para asegurarse de que usted será pronto reunirse con su familia. Además, la atención médica gratuita. Y Univision en la televisión por cable!

Así que recuerde: Voto Bristol! Viva Bristol! Viva La Raza!

Su amigo legislativas,

Jerry Bristol

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From the Desk of Congressman Jerry T. Bristol

Dear 3rd District Voter:

In a scandal-driven, 24-7 media world that all too often distracted by poorly-sourced rumors of rest stop page parties or Bankok orgies, it’s easy to forget the things that really matter. Things like working tirelessly for the people, which I continue to do, in my many committee chairmanships. And also, being responsive to constituents.

For example, the latest 2006 Townsburgh Gazette Poll indicates that many of you are dissatisfied with the war in Iraq. As a longtime voice of opposition to the Bush administration on the war, especially the parts that aren’t going well, I have organized a special select committee to investigate and fix blame, and set a timetable for withdrawal tied to tracking poll benchmarks.

That’s the kind of leadership you will continue to get with me, Jerry Bristol. Like you’re really going to vote for that Kos lunatic the Democrats nominated.

Sincerely,
Congressman Jerry Bristol

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From the Desk of Congressman Jerry T. Bristol

Dear Constituent:

Stopping global Warming. Universal healthcare for our children. A new ethanol-powered monorail to the Bristol Convention Center. Insuring the fragile success of the Iraq surge. On the issues that really matter to the 3rd District, Congressman Jerry Bristol has been building bipartisan bridges of cooperation and compromise across ideological aisles, working tirelessly to to get things done. For you.

And the bridge building doesn’t stop there. Just look at Townsburgh’s shiny new Bristol Viaduct and the Jerry Bristol Causeway to Townsburgh State’s new Bristol Center for Government Excellence. In total, over 4000 permanent bridge building jobs in Townsburg alone. All due to the tireless work of Jerry Bristol, ranking minority member of the House Transportation Subcommittee for Bridges.

It’s that proud 14-year record of rock solid, principled bipartisanship that has made Jerry Bristol a legend in Congress, and earned the endorsement of the National Bridge Contractors Association and Tollbooth Workers Local 601. It’s a can-do spirit that figures out how to get things done, for you, even when that spirit is confined to home in an ankle monitor. With a record like that, can the 3rd District really afford sending a untested newcomer like Chuck Larson Jr. to represent us?

When you go into the voting booth this November remember to look beyond the party labels. Vote Bristol — “the Change You Know.”

Sincerely,

Nancy Worthman
Acting Chairwoman, Bristol for Congress

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Grundrick & Boston, LLP
1007 K Street NE
Washington, DC

Dear Client:

With a new incoming Congress, it will take a knowledgeable and seasoned lobbying organization to insure that the legislative issues important to you get the attention they deserve. That’s why we at Grundrick & Boston are proud to announce the appointment of Jerry Bristol as Chief of our Congressional Affairs staff.

A former 7-term congressman, Jerry will help you navigate Washington’s confusing legislative maze, and will fight tirelessly to make sure that you will get entree to DC’s top “movers and shakers.”

As a select member of our MVP Client list, you are cordially invited to a reception at the Ballroom of Washington’s Excelsior Montebanque Hotel to welcome Jerry and his wife Nancy to our team, and celebrate the recent removal of his ankle monitoring device.

A formal invitation is enclosed. Remember to bring you checkbook.

Sincerely,

Chuck Larson
Managing Partner

This satire was used with the permission of Iowahawk.

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