Robertson Activates Christian Sleeper Cells — Satire By Liberal Larry
Except for few desperate individuals driven to violence by U.S. imperialism, Islam is a Religion of Peace. Christianity, on the other hand, has been the engine of world suffering for over 2000 years. It was Christianity that nearly eradicated the indigenous peoples of this continent, the survivors condemned to the perpetual humiliation of cartoon stereotypes and offensive sports mascots. It was Bush’s Christian cousin, Adolf Hitler, who sent hundreds of homosexuals and midgets to the gas chambers even as great agnostics like Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. fought against racial injustice. And it is the Christians who constantly subvert our political process by allowing their “moral compass” to determine how they should vote, rather than NARAL or labor union leaders. Now, the man described by the New York Times as “The Unequivocal Voice of Christian Conservativism – Perhaps Even Christianity Itself” has called for the murder of a benevolent Latin American leader. Alas, the heartless evil of the American Taliban has been never been so palpably insidious.
With a red beret and a thick Latin accent that makes the panties of every progressive American glisten with dew, Hugo Chavez is much more than your typical Marxist revolutionary. Unlike Bush, he’s a democratically elected leader who is greatly loved by his people. He’s also one of the few Latin American leaders not installed and controlled by the CIA, which has made him the target of several Bush-ordered coups and failed assassination attempts. But in spite of U.S. imperialist plots to poison his Fruit Loops, Chavez has instituted widespread social and economic reforms. This year, he was honored by both Greenpeace and Amnesty International for disposing of the old corroded car batteries in his torture chambers and using cleaner, more efficient solar power to energize the nation’s impoverished testicles. Furthermore, spontaneous human decapitations have dropped by 12 percent on Chavez’s watch. Can Bush say as much? I don’t think so.
It’s no wonder, then, that Pat Robertson has issued a death warrant on Papa Chavez.
For the lack of a more gender neutral noun, our founding “fathers” never intended for one man to wield so much power over the mouth-breathing, biblethumping lemmings of Jesusland. That’s why they constructed a wall between church and state – the only thing in the Living Breathing Constitution that isn’t ethereal or anachronistic. It’s for our protection, people! One word from this Osama Bin Laden of the Religious Right and Christian sleeper cells could be activated all across the nation, acting all Holier-Than-Thou and making gay couples feel like second class citizens. Before you know it, Robert Schuller would be sawing off the heads of fornicators on The Hour of Power.
Venezuelan Vice President Charles Rangel (D) had it right. Calls for the assassination of world leaders should be done only by the seasoned professionals on Air America, where they can be directed at members of the Bush administration in a humorous, light-hearted fashion. What Robertson did goes beyond the pale. In a free, democratic society like Venezuela, he’d never get away with it.
This satire was used with the permission of BlameBush!.