Soothing The Loony Left

As I perused the Democratic Underground, I came across another kooky Republicans =’s Nazis thread, which admittedly is rather unexceptional these days.

While it would be easy to just call a moonbat a moonbat here, I decided to do something a little different this time.

What I would like to do is reassure all you leftwing nuts out there — and you know whom I’m talking about — you with the tinfoil hat on, who thinks the election was rigged and Bush might be behind 9/11, you’re whom I’m talking to here — I’d like to let you know that most of your deepest, darkest fears about conservatives are groundless.

Take my word for it when I tell you this, because I know that of which I speak.

Thousands of conservatives read what I write each day, the RNC now answers my email, and I’ve interviewed countless numbers of big name conservatives. Moreover, I consume enormous amounts of content written by conservatives. Typically, I read 90+ blogs and 10-15 right-of-center political websites each day.

So while I may not be the spokesman for conservatism, I understand conservatism very well and when you read what I’m about to say about conservatives, believe it, because it’s absolutely true.

All you loony libs ready? Here goes, here’s the truth about conservatives:

— We don’t want to put you in camps.
— We’re also overwhelmingly opposed to the idea of a police state.
— We detest Fascism & Nazism, just as we detest Communism.
— We also don’t believe there’s any danger of America becoming a Fascist country.
— We don’t believe Bush is “another Hitler” or that there is any chance America will become “another Nazi Germany”.
— We’re overwhelmingly against a draft.
— We don’t believe it’s unpatriotic to disagree with the President.
— As a matter of fact, many of us disagree with the President, particularly when it comes to illegal immigration and deficit spending.
— Not only do we believe in following the Constitution, we believe we’re much more serious about doing so than our political opponents.
— We believe conservative economic policies are more beneficial to poor and middle-class Americans than liberal policies.
— We’re overwhelmingly opposed to the idea of creating an American empire.
— We don’t believe the Bush administration let 9/11 happen on purpose or made it happen on purpose.
— We don’t believe Iraq was a war for oil.
— We don’t think the war in Afghanistan was about oil or a pipeline.
— We don’t believe Bush lied about weapons of mass destruction.
— We don’t dislike people because of their skin color.
— We don’t believe the vote was rigged in 2000 or 2004.
— We would rather lose an election than cheat to win.
— We’re totally opposed to theocracy and dominionism.

You conservatives out there, if you have a liberal friend or relative who’s — let’s just say a few bricks short of a load — send this to him and let him know that he can breathe easy. Sure, liberals and conservatives may not agree on a lot of things, but at least the lefties who’re waiting for the FBI to kick in the door and drag them off to a death camp can rest a little easier now…

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