STUDY: Violent Video Games Turn Teens Into Fat, Weak Killing Machines By Shamus Young

A new study released by the Institute for Responsible Entertainment revealed today that today’s “hyper violent” video games cause teens to spend hours in a limp, slack-jawed state of simulated mayhem. Dr. Colin Jenkins, who performed the study said, “It is truly alarming… these kids spend hours playing what ammounts to a murder simulator, while at the same time getting less excercise than someone who is asleep. This means the kids will have an amazing propensity for violence, and be in abysmal physical condition. This is dangerous for the kids, and mildly dangerous for the people they might someday try to harm.”

One of the test subjects, a 15 year-old Danny Larson, demonstrated one of the games in question. The game, Grand Theft Auto: Vice City, shows Danny’s character robbing an old woman using a baseball bat. When asked about the game’s violent content, Danny’s father replied, “A baseball bat? Hell. I can’t imagine him leaving the house, much less using sports equipment.”

All of the test subjects showed signs of too little exercise, being either scrawny or overweight. Dr. Jenkins, summing up his findings said, “These kids could be a real threat to society if they ever got off their @sses and did anything”.

If you enjoyed this satire by Shamus Young, you can read more of his work at The Lemon.

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