Terrorists Caught Enrolling In Sewing Class Following TSA Ruling — Satire By Buckley F. Williams
Several years of tracking a group of terror suspects in the Dallas area have paid off, as the FBI announced yesterday that they had arrested three members of the group after they enrolled in a local sewing class in a brazen attempt to obtain and learn how to use sewing scissors.
There was a clear connection between the terrorists efforts and the recent announcement by the Transportation Safety Administration that restrictions on screw drivers and small sewing scissors would be relaxed for passengers.
“They were obsessed with everything about sewing,” said an undercover FBI agent. “They enrolled in the class so that they could get their hands on sewing scissors, and learn how to use them as a weapon of hi-jacking and death.”
Kathy Delaney. he 65 year-old woman who ran the “Knitting Sisters of Christ” sewing class out of her home, said that the three showed up for the first class and immediately began asking about sewing scissors.
“We were trying to lay out plans for our Christian Nativity Quilt, and they were just rude. They kept saying that they didn’t want to know how to finish anything, they just wanted to know how to use sewing scissors. When I finally gave Muhammad a pair to keep him quiet, he immediately starting plunging them into Dorothy Higgins’ prize winning Jesus pillow.”
To a woman, most of the sewing class felt something was odd about their Mideastern classmates.
“They seemed a bit out of place, I guess,” said Nora Haiber. “The three of them sat in a corner and whispered in some strange foreign language while we worked on our Christmas Quilt. And they wanted no part of Madge Galbraith’s pork casserole, which was really peculiar.”
The three terrorists were apprehended at Delaney’s home after the astute woman tipped off local police.
“The final straw for me was when we were working on some basic sewing techniques- you know ‘knit one, pearl two’ stuff- and they were just losing their patience. Mohammed finally screamed, ‘For the love of Allah, give me your sewing scissors or I’ll remove your skin!’ Well, that was just rude. We called the police.”
This satire was used with the permission of The Nose On Your Face.