The 10 People I’d Least Like To Be Stuck On A Desert Island With

23 Apr, 2004 by John Hawkins

Print this article Font size -16+

After doing the “If I Were Stuck On A Desert Island With Just 10 Bloggers…” post last week, I thought it might be fun to do “The 10 people I’d least like to be stuck on a desert island with”. I again decided to split things up, with 5 male & 5 female selections.

After thinking about it, here’s who I came up with…

Barbra Streisand: Barbra strikes me as the sort of woman who probably has a servant do everything from driving her around in a limo to wiping when she gets on the toilet. And nobody wants to be stuck on a desert island with a pampered Hollywood star who’s complaining that her butler isn’t there to hold an umbrella over her so she won’t get sunburned.

Mike Tyson: What’s not to love about being cooped up on an island with a mentally unstable, ex-boxing champ who bit off someone’s ear and has severe anger management problems?

Courtney Love: Kurt Cobain’s ex has never exactly been the picture of sanity, but lately she has been nuttier than a jar full of nuts in the middle of a nut processing plant in Nuttyville, Nebraska. I don’t know whether she’s crazy, whacked out of her gourd on drugs, or some combination thereof, but the last place I’d want to be is trapped on a desert island with her while she works out her problems.

Tom Green: Hey look at me, Tom Green — look how off the wall I am! I’m sticking a banana in my nose and barking like a seal! Har, har, har! Look at me, look at me! Why are you repeating over and over “Must not strangle Tom Green. Must not strangle Tom Green?” Ha, ha — now I’m making cow noises and following you around! Ha, ha, ha!

Roseanne Barr: Every time someone says the name “Roseanne Barr,” I think of that loathsome devil-harpy screeching our national anthem and then grabbing her crotch and spitting. But, oh she’s sorry now! You see she had a rough childhood and one of her multiple personalities was actually responsible and yada, yada, yada. Don’t care, hate her, hate her, hate her — did I mention hate her?

Simon Cowell: I don’t even watch American Idol and I can’t stand that smart alecky Brit. All I can say is that he’d be my pick for the person “most likely to be bludgeoned to death with a coconut”.

Martha Burke from NOW: I bet I couldn’t even get together with Mike Tyson and Simon Cowell to have a world championship monkey bashing tournament without Martha Burke complaining that we didn’t let women have a turn throwing coconuts at the monkeys. If I want to get together with a deranged boxer and an Englishman who needs a beating with a sack of doorknobs to try and bash a few monkeys, I don’t need “the woman” trying to bring us down!

Michael Jackson: The last thing on earth I want to see after waking up on a desert island is pale, weird looking, Michael Jackson standing over me, softly mumbling to himself, and asking if I’ve seen his lost nose.

Ingrid Newkirk: Ingrid Newkirk is the kook who runs PETA and I can just imagine her cutting all of our fishing lines and trying to scare any birds away that we ran across so we wouldn’t have a chance to catch and eat them. All I can say is that if I’m stuck on a desert island and you reach over to free a monkey I just caught before I can cook it over an open fire, you’re drawing back a bloody stump. No one can say they weren’t warned.

Louis Farrakhan Somehow, I imagine there would be a lot of conversations like this with ole Calypso Louie…

Me: Hey Louis, I’m not going to eat all of this coconut. You want half of it?

Louis Farrakhan: Isn’t that typical of the white devil? He enslaves the black man for 400 years and then thinks he can make up for it with half a coconut.

Me: Uh….yeah, OK. I’ll see if anyone else wants it then…

Louis Farrakhan: That’s a white devil for you right there. First, he offers a meager half a coconut and then he snatches it away…

Me: Ah….great. I..uhm…I’m just going to set this coconut right here and if you want it, it’s yours. Ok, Louis?

Louis Farrakhan: That’s what I thought! When the black man stands up to the white devil, he runs like the coward he is!

Me: Ok, Louis. You enjoy that half a coconut, I’m going to the other side of the island for a while…