The Conspiracy Theory To End All Conspiracy Theories About The 2004 Election

Any old nutjob can opine that Jews control the media, Karl Rove set up Dan Rather with fake memos, or that George Bush had Paul Wellstone killed. However, it requires a particularly aberrant sort of creativity to come up with a conspiracy theory as implausible as the one Carol Rawle digitally scribbled on the pages of Unknown News. It just has to be seen to be believed…

“Maybe I’ve finally arrived at complete and total cynicism, or even turned the corner and become a conspiracy nutcase (*** From Hawkins: That’s the one Carol! ***). But there’s been something about the way Kerry conducted his campaign and his post-election behavior that has been nagging at my mind for weeks.

I’ve always considered myself to be a reasonable person, not given to jumping to conclusions on flimsy evidence, nor am I easily swayed by sensational sentiment. However, when things don’t seem to add up, I can’t rest until I find out why, and I’m now ready to admit that I strongly suspect that John Kerry threw the election, and the Democratic Leadership Council (DLC) was behind it.

…Dean had the nomination practically sewed up until “The Scream,” (*** From Hawkins: The “Dean Scream” came AFTER, NOT BEFORE, Dean’s embarrassing 3rd place finish in Iowa, a state he spent enormous amounts of money and time on. “The Scream” was just the cherry on the top of the chocolate fudge sundae of failure that Dean’s campaign had become ***) but it could easily have gone the other way and energized the party if only they had wanted to play it that way. I think it’s possible that the DLC was ordered by the corporate elite to use it as a way to get rid of Dean because he doesn’t fit into their long range plan.

…Here’s some circumstantial evidence to tally up. Everyone was disappointed in the piss-poor way Kerry ran his campaign. He blew it on so many levels that if it were an NFL football game, you can bet there’d be an investigation into point shaving. I won’t go into the whole list of his campaign disasters, but didn’t someone say at one point, that the election was “Kerry’s to lose”? Yet he seemed bent on doing almost everything exactly wrong.

Well, just maybe it wasn’t simply a case of bad campaign management from his DLC handlers. Maybe it’s because Kerry had agreed not to try too hard to win the election, and he was just following orders to accomplish this.

…The question that bothers me most about this theory is probably the one you are asking now. Why would Kerry go along with the DLC and its corporate masters and agree to throw the election? I believed, and still do, that John Kerry is basically a principled and decent man. But he’s a politician who grew up as part of the “ruling class.” He is also a member of Scull and Bones, that secret Yale fraternity that George W. Bush also belongs to, who, as adults, call themselves The New World Order which controls the purse strings and politics of most of the world and are all loyal to one another, first and foremost. He was promised, no doubt, that he’d get his real chance in 2008, which could account for his not wanting to spend all of his campaign war chest on an election he’d agreed to lose. And why waste the money on contesting this same election when he has no intention of being president until 2008?

There are entirely too many coincidences. So it’s just a matter of adding up all the evidence and drawing some obvious conclusions. I believe, given all I now know and understand, that it was in the best interest of this consortium of big corporations that Bush continue as president. Even though he’s made a mountain of embarrassing mistakes, he has been flawless in delivering for the corporate ruling class. Big business hasn’t enjoyed this level of pampering and privilege for the better part of a century.

Maybe at the end of four more years of Bush, things will be on track enough for the corporate elites to permit the Democrats, under the leadership of the DLC of course, to have another crack at the White House. And I’m sure that Kerry really believes they’ll make him president.

I know this all sounds like some whacko conspiracy theory, but I don’t know how else to make sense of this truly bizarre election. I think there is enough circumstantial evidence that we can and should begin to ask some hard questions about the true agenda of the DLC, and expose them for what they really are — a group more loyal to the conservative right than to traditional Democratic ideals.”

Make sure to keep this quiet, folks, or the next thing you know we might have Cynthia McKinney, Michael Moore, & Maurice Hinchey calling for an investigation =D

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