The Endangering Species Act By Frank J.

The Endangering Species Act By Frank J.: Legislators are introducing a bill to help fight exotic species like the evil Chinese superfish, the snakehead. This is a good thing. We have plenty of laws protecting different animal species, but I’ve always said we don’t have enough laws calling for their deaths. To me, this was the biggest oversight of the Endangered Species Act. In it, we try to save animals that are going extinct because of the actions of man, but what about the animals who were supposed to become extinct? Don’t we, to preserve the natural order of things, have to find them and eradicate them?

I say we add a committee to the EPA whose job it is to decide which animals should become extinct, and then send out a special squad to find and eliminate those animals. I will be on that squad. First off, I say we get rid of the mosquito. They cause itchy bumps and there is no need for that. Frankly, I could do without most insects. If bees want to stick around, they really should think hard about getting rid of those stingers.

As for birds, obviously the pigeon has to go. Also, I’ve never liked the Canadian geese; they’re dirty filthy things and they’re from Canada. I also don’t get the point of a bird that can’t fly, but I’ll spare the penguins since they stay out of our way in Antarctica.

The oceans are filled with tons of weird, icky things with sharp teeth or poison; I say we be a lot more discriminating about what we let live the ocean. The really deep-sea creatures are fine – we never run into them – but anything near the surface has to be nicer or taste good fried.

Also, I find the idea of mammals that live like fish perverse. I especially don’t like the dolphins. They think they’re so great since everyone says how smart they are, but they better learn some humility or its curtains for them.

As for land mammals, the raccoons keep getting in my trash – they die now. I never trusted cats, so lets at least get rid of all the large, wild ones. Also, there is something about squirrels I just find unsettling; since they don’t seem to play an integral part of the ecosystem, let’s get rid of them just to be on the safe side. Oh, and for the deer, it’s fun shooting you, but you better start learning to look both ways before crossing the street. Marsupials are weird, but so is much of Australia, but any marsupials that wander off the reservation should be dealt with; yeah, I’m talking about you, opossum.

Anyway, could someone who is good at writing legislation type up the bill and send it to congress? I’ll start oiling up the shotguns in preparation.

If you liked this satire by Frank J., you can read more of his work at IMAO

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