The Iraqi Elections Prove that Conservatives Are Right About Everything by Frank J.
The Iraq elections had high participation. The people are dancing in the streets. Do you know what that means?
It means I’m right about everything, you stupid pinko!
Even more importantly, it means you’re wrong and totally suck!
“Nothing can stop our ignorant, warmongering ways from spreading peace throughout the world.” I know; it’s still just hitting you now. “What? They’re happy! They’re free! They like America! But this would mean Bush was right, and I was ::gasp:: wrong!” Then it makes you think, if you could be wrong on such a big issue, could you be wrong and the right-wingers right on other things such as taxes, Social Security, and abortion? Yes, absolutely!
Now, some of you will not face reality and continue to argue for your views that have been now scientifically proven to be wrong and destructive by this one victory, and your high pitch whines eventually reaching such a frequency that they can no longer be heard by humans (around 23kHz). Little kids will walk by and ask, “Who are those weird people waving signs of gibberish and moving their mouths without noise?”
And their parents will answer, “Those are liberals, people proven by events to be wrong about everything. Now ignore them like everyone else.”
Of course, some of you will face the reality that you are now completely wrong about everything as the Iraqis celebrate their democracy we right-wingers gave them. This reality will be too much for you to take. You’ll be like those crybabies with PEST, but even worse having reality smack you so hard in the face twice now. You’ll yell, “Well, things could still go wrong! Please! Please, Gaia, make things go wrong in Iraq! May those people suffer so I can feel intellectually superior!” But it’s too late. You won’t be able to stand all the happy faces and have to end your life. Soon we rich Republicans won’t be able to sail our yachts down a river without worrying about them being damaged by a Democrats plunging from a bridge. Then again, each dead Democrat means lower unemployment – proving us right-wingers even more super-right! And the last thought of you liberals as you “progress” to your end in the cold, black water will be how wrong you are about everything and how right conservatives are proved by those Iraqis holding up marked fingers.
Yes, nothing can stop our ignorant, warmongering ways from spreading peace throughout the world. Then all will bow before us conservatives, and we’ll demand whiskey and cigars in praise for our earthy wisdom. The few remaining liberals will live as hobos, holding up signs saying, “Will pompously oppose common sense solutions for pot.”
Ah, it’s nice to be right about everything. I was worried for a little bit, but those election have now shown that all I’ve ever said – from burning down the forests to deporting the poor – must be right since I was right about Iraq. Now I know longer need to argue; I can just point to the election and say, “Shut up, goober! Now do as I say before I shoot with the guns that are now scientifically proven to be good for society to have since I said it so and was right about Iraq.”
It will be hard for you liberals, and I wish I could feel sorry for you, but I’ve always been against empathy and must be right about that too.
Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us and is the author of such books as “Volunteer Work Is Totally Hitler!” and “The Frank Guide to Keep Your Cats from Eating Your Eyeballs While You Sleep”.
This satire was used with the permission of Frank J. from IMAO. You can read more of his work by clicking here.