The Misadventures of Howie and Skeeter By Frank J.
Apparently the Bush administration is focusing on Howard Dean as being the challenge in the 2004 election, so I think I should to. Instead of just using my parody skills to forward my own agenda, I thought I might try and find some real news about Howard Dean. Ends up I found out through an FBI contact (don’t ask) that there had been constant monitoring of Howard Dean and his friend Richard Robertson throughout the seventies because of suspicion of their involvement with a Columbian drug ring (which ended up being hardly true at all). Here are some select excerpts from the transcripts.
* * * *
Feburary 11, 1970. Subjects Howard “Howie” Dean and Richard “Skeeter” Robertson are at Dean’s home.
Howie: Dude, I’m like bored.
Skeeter: I know, dude. What can we do?
Howie: I dunno; I was asking you, dude.
Skeeter: Well, there is like a war in Vietnam going on. We could go help out with that.
Howie: Dude, that sounds hard. And my back hurts.
Skeeter: Well… we could go skiing.
* * * *
March 23, 1970. Subjects Howard “Howie” Dean and Richard “Skeeter” Robertson are at a meeting in an abandoned warehouse.
Howie: Dude, we’re like totally going to be agents for the KGB.
Skeeter: I know, dude. Communism is like so cool and capitalism like totally sucks.
Howie: Dude, that is so true.
Unidentified KGB Agent: So are you two ready to spy against America for mother Russia?
Skeeter: Yeah, we totally want to help, Commie dude.
Agent: Remember, you must never be discovered, though. If you are captured, you must take these cyanide pills.
Skeeter: Whoa! Cyanide like totally sucks.
Howie: I don’t think I do this, Commie dude. My back like… hurts.
Skeeter: I know! Let’s go skiing instead!
* * * *
June 7, 1970. Subjects Howard “Howie” Dean and Richard “Skeeter” Robertson are at a meeting at the local college.
Howie: We’re like totally going to be Islamic extremists!
Skeeter: Totally, dude! Hey, what are they chanting death to?
Howie: America, dude. America totally sucks and we’re going to bomb it, dude.
Howie: Hey, what’s with all this praying towards Mecca, dude? Like, what happens if someone blindfolds you, spins you around, and then it’s time to pray towards Mecca? What do you do?
Skeeter: Dude! You’d be like totally screwed!
Unidentified Mullah: So are you two ready to strike against the infidels?
Skeeter: Infidels like suck.
Mullah: Here are your suicide bombing targets.
Howie: Awesome. Let’s… Whoa! Was there a “suicide” with that “bombing”?
Mullah: You will become martyrs and receive 72 virgins in heaven.
Skeeter: But what if you want women with more experience?
Howie: Uh, Islam dude, my back like hurts. I don’t think I can do this. It was all Skeeter’s idea to come here anyway.
Skeeter: I just wanted to hit on hot Islam chicks.
Howie: You can’t even tell if they are hot, dude; they’re wearing veils.
Skeeter: Whatever, dude. Why don’t we go skiing?
* * * *
November 17, 1971. Subjects Howard “Howie” Dean and Richard “Skeeter” Robertson are at a bank at midnight.
Howie: Dude, we are totally like henchman for the Riddler.
Skeeter: And we like totally robbed a bank, dude.
Howie: And Batman will never find out because the Riddler leaves riddles and they are like totally hard.
Skeeter: If he didn’t leave riddles at all, then there would be like even less chance of Batman finding us, dude.
Howie: Shut up, dude. What do you know about being a super-criminal?
Riddler: Are you two ready? Batman has found us.
Howie: I’m totally ready, riddle dude.
Skeeter: Doesn’t like Batman kick and stuff, dude?
Howie: You worry too much, dude. We have like guns.
Skeeter: Dude! There’s Batman! Let’s shoot him!
Howie: Whoa! He like totally threw some throwing things at me and knocked the gun from my hand, dude.
Skeeter: He did that to me too, dude.
Batman: Time to taste justice, scumbags.
Howie: Whoa, Bat-dude, I like can’t fight you because… uh… my back like hurts.
Skeeter: Hey, let’s go skiing instead, dude.
If you enjoyed this satire by Frank J, you can read more of his work at IMAO.