Robert Stacy McCain wrote a slice of genius the other day. He writes of names and relationships and psychology:

All Girls Named Tonya, the title of that childhood memoir no publisher will ever pay me to write, derives from a principle of human psychology first postulated by a genuinely evil little bastard who became one of my dope buddies in 10th grade. That title is 67% of what I call Art Hembree’s Law:

All Girls Named Tonya Are Sluts.

If your name is Tonya, I apologize on my old friend’s behalf, but as a lowlife trying to score some easy action circa 1978-86, I can testify that Hembree’s Law proved amazingly reliable.

Well, he swapped momentary, if unfulfilled pleasure with Tonya, for a lost lifetime of love with Amy, but I say he got lucky.

If all girls named Tonya are sluts, then all girls named Amy are mean gossips. Now, I’ve lived long enough that the rules have had too many exceptions to be valid, but I’m still suspicious when I meet an Amy. She has a threshold of niceness that she must scale that Anns (they’re smart) just don’t have to.

Don’t forget Susans. To a person, they’ve all been smug, self-righteous smarty-pants. Is there a Susan who is a C-student? I don’t think so. Is there a Susan who isn’t a competitive-better-than-you ball of high achievement? Haven’t met her yet.

My sister says all Melinda’s are fat. That’s not true.

I like John’s. They are unoffensive.

Have to be careful with Michael’s. They can go either way–mean or nice. They are usually smart.

Do names determine behavior? I wonder.

I know a Chiropractor named Dr. Bone. I know a Proctologist named Dr. Butts. No, I don’t know a Gynecologist named Dr. Vagina, but you get the idea.

Anyway, Stacy needs to let it go. He dodged a name bullet. I hope his wife’s name isn’t Amy.

Cross-posted at MelissaClouthier.com

NOTE: Must we be serious all the time? Come on now! John does his naked Obama and unicorn posts. I can’t do a silly name post? Besides, you know the name theory is true. Have you met a kid named Damian who isn’t the seed of Satan? Well, have you?

P.S. Newt…bug…

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