The Official United Nations Guide to Fighting Terrorism — Satire By Harvey
Ever since the first bomb was invented 5000 years ago in Egypt by Alfred Nobel, bad people have used them to blow up innocent civilians.
Mainly in Israel.
However, for the first time since then, the The UN has vowed to take concrete action to put a stop to these heinous acts. Secretary General Kofi Annan has promised to think about talking about maybe writing down – ON ACTUAL PAPER, mind you – a treaty which, if adopted, would make murdering people even MORE illegal than it already is.
But until that happy day when all nations stand united in saying “NO! NO!” (instead of merely “NO!”, which hasn’t yet worked, although it certainly MIGHT, if given enough time), the UN has promulgated some stopgap measures that can be implemented immediately.
So, in the interest of public safety, I offer you (in the extended entry) this:
OFFICIAL UNITED NATIONS COMPLETELY USELESS GUIDE TO FIGHTING TERRORISM
ATTENTION: UN Secretary General Kofi Annan recommends that you take the following measures if you are confronted by a terrorist situation:
* Hit the terrorist on the nose with a rolled up newspaper while saying “No! Bad!” in a stern voice.
* Stop. Drop. Roll.
* Surrender (France only)
* Duck and cover.
* Do a little dance. Make a little love. Get down tonight.
* Slip into “bullet time” to dodge the explosion.
* Call his mother – terrorists fear parental disapproval above all else.
* Switch your sword into your right hand while explaining to the terrorist that you are NOT left-handed.
* Pay the ransom (Italy only).
* Get a lap d…[notices dirty looks from IMAO readers]… Nevermind.
* Flee to the Neverland Ranch
* Hey, it’s safe. Michael’s in court today.
* Tune in. Turn on. Drop out.
* See Spot run. Run, Spot, run. Run, run, run!
* Maybe Spot knows something you don’t.
* Wish REALLY, REALLY hard that this wasn’t happening.
* Set a spell. Take your shoes off. Ya’ll come back, now, hear?
* Quick! Dial 9-1-… [KABOOM!]
* Try distracting the terrorist by throwing a tennis ball.
* Hey – works on my dog.
* Have Calgon take you away.
* Clear your throat while tapping your foot impatiently.
* Yell for help – Hey Culligan Man!
* Try understanding the root causes of the terrorist’s anger.
* This should buy you enough time to make out your will.
* Fire up your computer, play solitaire, and await the end. Just like at work.
* If none of the above steps prove effective, have the US Marines come in and save your worthless @ss while you denounce their unilateral interventionism.
World citizens are encouraged to leave additional brilliant plans in the comments.
This satire was used with the permission of Frank J. from IMAO. You can read more of his work by clicking here.