The Only Effective Compromise to End Our Illegal Immigration Problem Is to Destroy Mexico — Satire By Frank J.
The United States of America has a huge problem with illegal immigration. Many say this is the fault of America for being so super awesome that everyone wants in. This is a valid criticism. The current proposal to handle the problem is to build a wall along the Mexican border. Of course, natural selection means we’ll then cause a new breed of super-Mexicans to evolve and jump over the wall. They will not only do the jobs Americans are unwilling to do, they will do the jobs we are physically incapable of. So, what is the solution? Some say we should deport all the illegal immigrants here now, but there are millions making that infeasible. Others say we should let anyone in who wants to be here, but then we lose our border and finally our sovereignty and national security. The only real compromise I can see is to destroy all of Mexico.
I know many of you are thinking “Isn’t destroying Mexico the same thing as amnesty?” Since Mexicans in our country would now have no where to be deported to, they would effectively get amnesty. But, we could be sure they will be loyal to America since they have no other country to be loyal to. Why do marches with a flag of a non-existent country? Also, having utterly destroyed Mexico leaving nothing but murky water filled with radioactive sharks, we could be sure no more illegal immigration will come from the south. Thus, both sides get something they want: the pro-illegal immigration is assured that Mexicans who came here just to better their families get to stay, and the anti-illegal-immigration people get to know that no more Mexicans will be flowing into the country.
You’re probably now wondering how much will this innovative solution cost? Well, the cost of the nuclear weapons needed to completely obliterate Mexico will be more than the cost of the wall, but, those are resources we own now and have already paid for. Others, especially illegal-alien sympathizers, may worry how many innocent Mexicans will die because of this. The answer is none, because no Mexicans are innocent in my mind. Still, we will give Mexico warning, and station our troops on our border so the Mexicans are forced to flee to Venezuela… or whatever is south of them. Check a map yourself, I’m busy.
Now, unfortunately, this solution will not work for any border problems we have with Canada. While Mexico only produces burritos and
tequila Mexican alcohol and clay pots – things we can get plenty of here in America – Canada has oil, something we can never have too much of. Instead, we’ll simply have to intimidate them into bowing to our will. I suggest bombing their places of worship – maples trees and hockey rinks – until they surrender. Many of them are French, so surrender is in their blood and they’ve probably been dying to capitulate to us for years.
Thus, we see the solution to our problem of illegal immigration is as simple as bombing the crap out of one of our neighbors. This compromise will let hard working Mexicans stay with no worries of being deported while making sure we no longer have anymore influx of illegals. Thus, everyone is happy, and, as with all my plans, there is no downside. So write your Congressman and let’s get a bipartisan commission working on this right away.
This satire was used with the permission of IMAO.