The Top 20 Stories Of 2007


20) Anna Nicole Smith dies and no one can figure out who the father of her child is because she apparently slept with 1 out of every 10 adult males on the planet earth within 3 months of when her kid was conceived.

19) Larry Craig’s “wide stance” got him into trouble in an airport bathroom.

18) Liberals rally for the right of black thugs to beat a white student unconscious with impunity in the Jena Six case.

17) Venezuela’s commie strong man, Hugo Chavez, narrowly lost a rigged election that would have allowed him to become dictator for life. Look for liberals everywhere to point to that election as proof that he’s honest when he narrowly engineers a victory in the next rigged election.

16) Scooter Libby had his sentence commuted by George Bush and when it’s quiet, some say you can still hear the liberal screams of agony echoing in the distance from that night.

15) Al Gore received a Nobel Peace Prize, bizarrely, for spreading alarmist propaganda about global warming. That’s a strong indication that either no one is doing much to promote peace these days or that Al Gore had pictures of all the judges partying a little too hard with Osama Bin Laden’s old girlfriend, Bessie the goat.

14) All across America, people slammed their heads against the walls in frustration over a presidential political cycle that featured 15 plus candidates, none of whom they liked, starting to fight it out in January of 2007. When exactly did politics become a perpetual campaign and actual governance an issue of secondary importance?

13) One day, the French were cheese-eating surrender monkeys and then the next day, after Nicolas Sarkozy was elected — well, they were still cheese-eating surrender monkeys, but we liked him enough to pretend not to notice.

12) Pervez Musharraf may be a son of a b*tch, but he’s our son-of-a-b*tch. Unfortunately, our son-of-a-b*tch is barely keeping Pakistan under control because those radical Islamist and Al-Qaeda sons-of-a-b*tches are causing trouble. Dictators, terrorists, and nuclear weapons! Oh my!

11) It would be tempting to move the California wildfires higher up the list except that these massive fires now seem to occur there every 2 or 3 years. Let’s hope California has better luck over the next few years with these fires than they’ve had in recent years.

10) The whole embryonic stem cells vs. adult cells argument has become a moot point because scientific advances have now allowed adult stem cells to become as elastic as embryonic stem cells. On the upside, this means we can use stem cells without needing to destroy embryos. On the downside, for the Democrats at least, they won’t get to run any Michael J. Fox embryonic stem cells commercials in next year’s election.

9) In 2006, Americans were sick of the Republicans and so they handed over control of Congress to the Democrats, whom, as it turns out, they hated even more. Now, Congressional approval ratings have dropped to all-time lows and the Democrats are working overtime to set a record for unpopularity that may never again be matched in American history.

8) The Va. Tech massacre was notable not just because of the shocking number of people who were killed by deranged loner Cho Seung-Hui, but because for the first time, it sparked more calls to put an end to gun free zones than it did calls for gun control.

7) Tony Blair, a staunch friend of America and the third greatest European leader over the last hundred years, behind Churchill and Thatcher, finally ended his career as Prime Minister. When historians look back and try to figure out the official end date of America and Britain’s “special friendship,” that will likely be where they point.

6) The American people came to the conclusion that the “grand compromise” on immigration that the Democrats and Republicans settled on wasn’t so “grand” after all. In fact, Americans spoke out against amnesty so vociferously that they literally broke the Capitol Hill switchboard on the day of the final vote. As a result, the amnesty bill went down to defeat and perhaps more importantly, many of the same politicians who were deriding Americans opposed to the bill as nativists and xenophobes, have now adopted the positions of the “nativists” and “xenophobes,” as their own.

5) Most people seem to be highly dubious, with good reason, of the NIE report, which declared that Iran stopped working on their nuclear weapons back in 2003. However, whether people are skeptical of it or not, it essentially took bombing Iran off the table until the end of the Bush presidency.

4) Russian novelist Fyodor Dostoevsky once wrote, “In the end they will lay their freedom at our feet and say to us, ‘Make us your slaves, but feed us.'” That has now been played out in Russia, where the people have gone from being free men to willing slaves under the iron boot of Vladimir Putin, their new dictator for life.

3) The bad news is that China spent 2007 pouring various poisoned products into the US. The good news is that less than 1 out of every 100 products produced in China will kill you, your children, or your pets. That’s China’s pledge of quality to you!

2) Everyone is trying to figure out exactly who’s to blame for the subprime mortgage crisis. Is it Congress? Is it the banks? Is it Bush? How about the people who got loans on houses that were way too expensive for them to afford — oh, and the banks, too. I mean, come on, they should have known better than to lend money to those people.

1) To the dismay of many liberals, members of the mainstream press, and Democrats in Congress, our troops and David Petraeus — or as they refer to him, General Betray-us — have done a brilliant job of making the surge work in Iraq. The violence in that country has plunged, Al-Quaeda has been slaughtered, and it looks more likely each day that we’re going to be able to pull our troops out and let the Iraqis take over without having the whole country collapse into chaos. Time will tell if the Iraqis can pull it off, but because of the success of the surge, we can say that we’ve done our part and then some to give them a fighting chance.

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