The Universal Democratic Underground Thread By Frank J.

I don’t think there is a single blog out there I read that hasn’t at least once linked to Democratic Underground’s Forum. The place is like a train wreck of human thought; you just can’t help but gawk at their twisted logic and wild-eyed conspiracy theories. I’ve even ended up becoming addicted to the site; anytime there is breaking news, I think, “I wonder what the nuts are saying about this,” and head straight for DU. It’s like a daily freak show. Yet, I’ve begun to tire of it, and I realized why. In the end, it’s really just the same thing over and over. After careful analysis (two minutes thought), I think I broke down all the variance of opinion you’ll ever see on DU and put into one imitated thread. They will often go on longer than this, but then it’s a lot of the same posts being made over and over by other people.

Well, without further ado, here is the…

UNIVERSAL DEMOCRATIC UNDERGROUND THREAD

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muck4d00

[News Headline]

[Excerpt of article about military issue, political issue, man-made event, natural occurence, or… well… anything followed by link to entire article]

Looks suspicious to me.

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[Index of response titles]

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8lame8ush

1. Obvious ploy

It’s obvious that Karl Rove is behind this. How this happened on [whatever the date is] is just too convenient in timing, especially considering that [Bush’s poll number’s are up/Bush’s poll numbers are down/Bush’s poll numbers are neutral/it’s raining in Antigua].
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Th!nkH3sFunny

2. Treat for Bush*

I bet Karl Rove is giving Chimpy a banana over this one.
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muck4d00

LOL!

Though your humor was blunt and inept, I will praise you for it, Th!nkH3sFunny, and pretend I laughed since it goes along with my own prejudices.
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halfempty

4. Nothing we can do

This just make me feel so depressed. There is nothing Bush* and the neo-cons won’t do to keep power and wage war. Remember, these are the same people who rigged an election, killed Carnahan and Wellstone, and stole my bong. They’re going to steal the election again with the “liberal media” helping them all the way. Then they’ll plunge the world into death and chaos and I’ll never be able to get another bong.
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halffull

5. This will sink Bush*

I disagree, halfempty, this is exactly what is going to make people realize that Bush* really is like Hitler… and then everyone will turn against him… and then true progressives will get in office… and then peace will be had in the world… and then gumdrops will fall from the sky… and then unicorns will roam the land once again.
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M3sn00ty

6. We smart

You may be right, halffull, but remember that we, the progressives of DU, are much smarter than everyone else. We have to carefully move all others to our viewpoints because most still don’t understand [convoluted conspiracy theory no one understands].
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halffull

7. At least we have debate

It’s great at least that we talk about things like this here, and don’t block out views we don’t like such as the Freepers and Repugs do.
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Name removed

8. Deleted message

Message removed by moderator. Click here to review the message board rules and better conform to GroupThink™.
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Imune2Irony

9. Repugs are nazis

This all just goes along with the Bush*’s and the Repugs’ nazi mentality. The only way we can preserve liberty is to round up the Repugs and put them in ovens.
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N3wGuy

10. My own 2 cents

Ooh! Ooh! I’m a monkey!
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muck4d00

11, Back to the main point

Imune2Irony and N3wGuy makes some great points, but I just hope everyone keeps in mind how [what was mentioned in the original article] can really be used against us. I bet even the Zionists and the Christians are all cheering about this.
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AFewM4rblesL3ft

12. Careful

Watch how you phrase things. Let’s try not to get labeled anti-Semitic and anti-Christian again.
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4sylum3scapee

13. Don’t be dumb

I wouldn’t worry about offending Jews or Christians. If you’ve been paying attention to all that going on, especially [a weather occurrence that unconvinced Democrats], it’s obvious that GOD IS BOUGHT AND PAID FOR BY HALIBURTON!
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muck4d00

14. Exactly

If a glowing angel approaches you or a burning bush starts talking to you, DON’T LISTEN TO IT BECAUSE IT IS PURE PRO-BUSH PROPAGANDA!
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4sylum3scapee

15. Beware

Holy Spirit = Goebbels
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Th!nkH3sFunny

16. Wouldn’t that be great

I wish someone would burn Bush*.
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Moderator

17. Locking

Thread is being locked to keep nuttiness evenly spread throughout the forum.
Thank you for your understanding and cooperation,
DU moderator

If you enjoyed this satire by Frank J., you can read more of his work at IMAO.

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