Timid Townfolk Sweep Sheriff Election

Rio Bravo – Newly elected Marshall Cletus Vaughn promised a “new era of understanding and peaceful coexistence” with the local desperado community after sweeping to a decisive victory in countywide elections yesterday.

“I am the law now, and as long as I am wearing this badge neither the Clanton Boys nor the Whiskey Creek Rape Gang will have the slightest fear here in Rio Bravo,” vowed Vaughn. “So maybe they’ll decide to mosey on up the road to Ft. Braddock or Sweetwater.”

Vaughn’s stunning poll win here yesterday came on the heels of a weekend spree by area desperado activists that left over 50 local residents shot in the back, raped, drug from horses, pistol-whipped, or hogtied.

The weekend mayhem ignited the wrath of the Rio Bravo Union of Timid Townfolk, who had backed Vaughn. Many laid blame for the incident on outgoing Sheriff Matt McShane and his open support of ‘The Lone Ranger,’ an area masked law agent.

“Iff’n McShane hadn’t joined the Ranger’s posse last month, them Holeshot Boys woulda had no nevermind to come inta Rio Bravo,” said local drygoods merchant Walker Dunlap. “Now they done took three bolts of gingham from my store and made me dance like a plumb fool. It’s time we got us a Sheriff that lets them desperado boys know that we’re gonna do like they says, nice and easy-like.”

Rio Bravo schoolmarm Eliza Hooper agreed, saying that “It is high time we tell the gangs that this town is saying ‘no’ to unilateral cowboys and ‘no’ to necktie parties.”

“The Lone Ranger may have fired his silver bullet at Deadwood Clyde, but we are the ones who got shot,” added dancehall hostess Bowleg Annie. “And also raped. And also dismembered and buried up to our necks and stampeded.”

A local banker, who asked to remain anonymous, said poor conditions in McShane’s jail may have provoked the desperados. “The way I hear’t it, them boys only gits bacon fat an’ beans,” he said. “Anyways, I just don’t want no more trouble.”

Such sentiments were reflected in Vaughn’s victory speech, in which he said he would work toward an immediate withdrawl from the Lone Ranger posse and seek an open dialogue with the rustler community.

“We would like it known throughout the county that we are not askeert to say no to the masked man, his faithful Injun companion, and and his so-called frontier justice.”

Some analysts say such a break will be somewhat difficult, but for the time being Vaughn appears to enjoy the support of a broad anti-Ranger consensus, including the Rio Bravo business community.

“Believe me, I am really looking forward to the new direction of the town,” said recall leader and undertaker Homer Dinsworth.

If you enjoyed this satire by David Burge, you can read more of his work at Iowahawk.

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