Top Ten Things You Don’t Want To Hear From Your Flight Crew By Ace

10. “Your choice of dinner is beef stroganoff or vegetarian burrito. I’d recommend that burrito; you don’t want any of that ‘bad energy’ of animal murder when we die in a flaming holocaust of twist metal. Which we’ll be doing in (checks watch) about five minutes now. Fresca?”

9. “Joining us in the cockpit is our special celebrity pilot, Mr. Billy Joel. He doesn’t have his license yet, but he’ll be ably assisted by celebrity copilots Nick Nolte and Naomi Campbell.”

8. “This is the captain speaking… we’re experiencing a slight bit of turbulence and complete structural failure. There’s no reason to panic, but if you’ve never joined the mile club, now might a good time to make for the bathrooms.”

7. “When will be landing? Errmm… define ‘landing.’ “

6. “Now might be a good time to review your in-flight instructions regarding the use of flotation devices. If your flotation device fails to inflate, remember that dead bodies float as well. Fortunately, the water should be lousy with them.”

5. “On your right is Salt Lake City, and on the left is that little gremlin from The Twillight Zone, eatin’ at our engine like Rosie O’Donnell at a Sizzler buffet.”

4. “Hi, this is your captain speaking. Great news. We’ll be making slight detour to everyone’s favorite vacation getaway, Heaven.”

3. “Take all the godd*mned peanuts you like. Your godd*mned peanuts and Doritos mix ain’t gonna save you, that’s for sure.”

2. “Little fun-fact about the Boeing 747: None have ever hit a mountain straight-on. So we’re all about to make a little history here.”

…and the Number One Thing You Don’t Want To Hear From Your Flight Crew…

1. “Special treat for you all. We’ll be running a special Kevin Costner marathon for your viewing pleasure– Waterworld, For Love Of The Game, and the special four hour director’s cut of The Postman.

This content was used with the permission of Ace Of Spades HQ.

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