Translating Nancy Pelosi

From Nancy Pelosi:

Democrats will launch a series of investigations of the Bush administration if they take control of Congress in November but are not out to impeach President George W. Bush, a top Democrat said on Sunday.

House of Representatives Democratic Leader Nancy Pelosi said Democrats would hold hearings on the use of intelligence in the lead-up to the Iraq war and investigate the high price of energy and prescription drugs if they win the extra 15 seats they need for a House majority in the mid-term elections.

But Pelosi denied Republican claims that her party would move quickly to impeach Bush.

“I said we’d be having hearings on the war, we’d have hearings. But I don’t see us going to a place of impeachment,” Pelosi said in an interview on NBC’s Meet the Press. “Investigation does not equate to impeachment. Investigation is the requirement of Congress. It is about checks and balances.”

Translation: Our wacko left-wing base is demanding that we impeach Bush for something, anything. It can be for being from Texas, if necessary; they really don’t care, they just want him impeached.

However, our polling data shows that the American public is about as anxious to endure two years of politically motivated impeachment trials as a cat is to stroll the middle of a football field full of pitbulls. In fact, our polling data was so bad that there was actually a category called, “Percentage of people who threw up on the pollster’s shoes when he mentioned impeachment.”

So, we’re going to promise investigations, which will keep our base happy, while we deny that we’re planning to impeach Bush, which would turn off the general public. Then, once we get in power we’ll try to impeach Bush for anything and everything we can think of…oh, and raise taxes! We can’t forget about raising taxes! Then there’s cutting and running in Iraq. Can’t forget that either..or better yet, do forget that.

In fact, I’m waving my hand in front of your face, like in Star Wars. It’s the Jedi Mind Trick. You never heard me say that Democrats plan to impeach Bush, raise taxes, or cut and run in Iraq. Also, since I’m in your head — take political advice from Hollywood stars, believe that corporations are really evil, and you will find yourself strangely compelled to want to free Mumia Abu-Jamal, free Mumia Abu-Jamal, free Mumia Abu-Jamal….

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