TrouserGate Update By Iowahawk
CLINTON AIDE ACCIDENTALLY TAKES 9/11 DOCS, NOTES, JOLLY RANCHERS
Former Clinton Administration National Security Advisor Sandy Berger admitted ‘inadvertantly’ stuffing highly classified documents and notes into his pants, absent-mindedly removing them from the national archives on five occasions, accidentally mailing them to DNC Chair Terry McAuliffe, who mistakenly buried them in the World Trade Center excavation site.
According to FBI sources, Berger also stopped off at a Bethesda, MD Chevron FoodMart, where he inadvertantly stuffed his pants with three bags of Jolly Ranchers, a 24-pack of Bud Lite, a copy of Maxim magazine, and Listerine Pocket Mints before driving off without paying for 14 gallons of unleaded super.
An apologetic Berger said that “my bad,” and offered to return several cans of Bud Lite to the Chevron.
GERGEN: BERGER ‘AMERICAN HERO’ WITH ‘PANTS ISSUES’
Appearing on NBC’s Today program, Washington domo David Gergen defended his former Clinton Administration teammate, saying that “it is impossible for me to imagine a true friend and American hero like Sandy doing anything illegal.”
Speaking with host Katie Couric, Gergen explained that Berger may have had “an inferiority complex in the pantular area,” leading to the serial slacks-stuffing.
Gergen questioned the timing of the report, saying that “the real scandal here is why this is so-called ‘scandal’ is a ‘scandal,’ and who is pushing this as a scandal, and where, and why now, and why that itself is not the real scandal, and that in a nutshell is what the real scandal is to me.”
KERRY NAMES MOORE, BLAIR, VANILLI TO POLICY TEAM
Presumptive Democratic presidential nominee John Kerry announced the beefing up of his foreign policy team with addition of film maker Michael Moore and Vanilli of the 80’s hitmaking duo Milli Vanilli.
“Added to our outstanding core group of Joe Wilson, Sandy Berger and Dominique de Villepan, this is a veritable foreign affairs Dream Team that will restore truth and honor to America,” said Kerry. “And with Vanilli, we show our commitment to diversify beyond creepy, fat, old rich white guys.”
“I only wish Milli were here to share this with me,” said an emotional Vanilli.
BERGER TO APPEAR IN NY TIMES CROSSWORD PUZZLE
New York Times ombudsman Daniel Okrent defended the newspaper’s scant coverage of the Berger imbroglio, pointing out that “newsprint doesn’t grow on trees.”
“If you run the numbers, printing that Berger is a Kerry advisor would have cost the newspaper over $300 in additional ink costs, not to mention the potential strain on delivery trucks,” said Okrent. “The Times has a fiduciary duty to its stockholders and employees to keep an eye on the bottom line.”
Okrent said that ‘Berger’ may appear in an upcoming Sunday crossword, “if [editor] Will Shortz finds a suitable 6-letter space, and comes up with a really, really hard clue.”
BREUER: ‘IF SLACKS DON’T FIT YOU MUST ACQUIT’
Berger attorney Lanny Breuer, who also served as a presidential lawyer during the Clinton administration, chided the government to drop charges against Berger due to lack of evidence.
“Everyone in Washington knows that Sandy Berger wears a 48-short Jaymar San-A-Belt,” said Breuer. “There is no way these documents and notes could have been concealed in anything other than a Farah Townsman, or perhaps a jaunty pair of Dad ‘n’ Lads.”
Breuer demanded that the FBI expand the investigation to ” Bush’s notorious trouser industry puppet masters, like Botany 500 and Munsingwear.”
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