| |||||||||||||||||||||||||||
|
Kneecapping Barack Obama at every opportunity. | ||
A Response to the Mullah Mohammad Omar: Once again I have been called on to fulfill my constitutionally mandated responsibilities as the US Ambassador of Whoop Ass. Whenever the enemies of America speak out against our nation, I'll always be there to call them "poopyheads" or worse even!!!
A Response to the Taliban: Once again, America's ambassador of whoop @ss has been called to service. I have commented on and formulated a response to the insane babbling of the Taliban's head savage, Mullah Mohammad Omar. I suspect that this barbarian's speech giving days are going to be coming to an end in the very near future anyway so enjoy this one while it lasts...
The Diary of Iseema bin Laden by Meryl Yourish: I ran across this article on Yourish.com and I managed to talk the author into letting me use it because it was that d@mn good! Want a sample?
18 September 2001: ...No one knows quite yet what the Americans will do, but there is great eagerness for the battle. The Taliban is filled with idiots. When I try to explain to them the kind of weapons the Americans have, the mujahadeen simply laugh and say that Allah will defeat the infidel. Yes, he could, with an American army and American weaponry.
The Taliban and Al-Queda's Top 10 Excuses For Being Defeated in Afghanistan: When the US went to war in Afghanistan the general consensus seemed to be that we'd be there for years and there were plenty of people who thought we'd lose like the Soviets did (What the Hell were they doing there for 8 years?!?!?!?) 2 months later the Taliban has been routed, Bin Laden and Mullah Omar are running for their lives, and their are only tiny slivers of resistance left in the country that's now ruled by a new government. What went wrong? Well here are the Taliban and Al-Queda's Top 10 Excuses For Being Defeated in Afghanistan.
Taliban Translation Guide: Many people are confused when things that the Taliban say don't seem to match up to reality. Some people believe that this means the Taliban are liars. Nothing could be further from the truth. You simply need to understand Taliban slang and lingo. Therefore, RWN has created a "Taliban Translation Guide" to help you out. Read and Enjoy!
Taliban Accuses America Of Targeting Civilians: RWN is committed to bringing you the news the major networks are afraid to put out there! Read this article and find out the truth that the mainstream press doesn't want you to know about casualties in Afghanistan!
The Peacenik's Guide To Arresting Terrorists in Afghanistan: No one can say that RWN doesn't give peace weenies equal time. After Oz's brutal ranking out of peace protestors yesterday I was deluged with angry emails. Well...ok I made that up. A bunch of people said they liked it and I didn't get a single angry letter. But still I felt the need to allow the peacenik's equal time. That's why I allowed Craig Featherstone from Pacifists United (for) Safety, Security, Inclusion, Equality, and Solidarity to have equal time on RWN. For those of you who are wondering, this certainly isn't **cough cough** satire **wink wink** written by me =)
You Stupid American. We Bomb You Now! (More Fan Mail): I received this email today from someone nicknamed Cyril Holt. The last time I heard from him, he was royally p*ssed off because I fulfilled my duties as the US Ambassador of Whoop Ass and scared the hell out of the Chinese with this email that I sent to their embassy (Incidentally, they announced our people would be released the day after I sent this email. Coincidence or fear of the "Right Wing American Whoop Ass Machine"?) Anyway I figured I'd heard the last from him until I received 2 emails from him today. Other than correcting a couple of grammatical errors, these emails are being posted unedited and in their entirety.
After reading these emails I quickly recognized the writing style of a famous foreign leader. I am sure that all of RWN's readers will recognize it just as easily as I did. Cyril Holt is obviously the internet nickname of.......Mullah Mohammed Omar who is sending this email directly from Kandahar as his last act of electronic Jihad before the American's arrive!!! Feel free to call CNN because RWN has the scoop of the decade...or at least I will if he dies before he sends out another email. Let's get cracking with those daisy cutters guys, RWN needs a few thousand hits!!!
The Top 10 Questions The Saudis Are Asking Their Al-Queda Captives: Iran just shipped 16 members of al-Queda off to Saudi Arabia for questioning. Laurence Simon was wondering what kind of questions the Saudis were asking their al-Queda captives? Probably something along the lines of...
"Will you sign an autograph for my kid?"
Rules For Terrorist Dating: Are you another Johnny "Bin" Walker Lindh looking to find a "little ms. terrorist right?" Maybe you're a terrorist sponsoring sheikh who's only on wife number three and needs a little advice to help you get back into the dating game. Well today's your lucky day because we've got all the advice you'll ever need...
The Top 10 Things We'd Put On al-Queda's Website If We Hacked It: RWN teamed up with File 13's Amish Tech Support to come up with a few things that we would like to put on al-Queda's homepage if we managed to hack into it.
The RWN Guide To Osama Bin Laden: Short but sweet =)
The Top 10 al-Queda Excuses For Why We Haven't Heard From Bin Laden Since Tora Bora: You can't help but notice that we haven't heard from Osama Bin Laden since December and his "new video" that was supposed to be released on July 4th never materialized. Yet, al-Queda claims he's alive and kicking. If so, why hasn't he shown himself? If we could pull an al-Queda spokesman out of whatever filthy cave or backwater village hut he's hiding in, I'm sure that these would be the top 10 excuses he'd give for why we haven't seen Osama since Tora Bora...
Proof That Bin Laden Was Framed!: RWN's sources in Afghanistan have gotten their hands on a tape found in the deepest recesses of a cave in Afghanistan. This tape proves Osama Bin Laden WAS NOT responsible for 911!!! We have transcribed this tape here but I warn you...do not read this transcript unless you want your entire to be world shaken like a rat in the jaws of a rottweiler!
Inteviewing The Dirty Bomber's Taco Bell Co-Workers And Customers: By day, José Padilla was an al-Queda terrorist in training who visited with other al-Queda operatives and planned to set off a "dirty bomb" in the United States. But by night, Padilla was a loyal Taco Bell employee. That's why we went to the Taco Bell Padilla worked at in Davie, Florida to see if we could find out a little more about the "dirty bomber." We talked to several of Padilla's co-workers and customers to see if they noticed any clue, no matter how small, that could have alerted them to the threat that Padilla posed...(Wink, Wink)
Ask Osama -- Advice for the Faithful: RWN has once again scooped the mainstream press by finding all the material "the man" doesn't want you to see. Here's a little bit of Osama Bin Laden back when he was merely a harlmess advice columnist...take that Washington Post!
The Terrorist Quiz: It seems like you can't read a website, watch the news, or pick up a newspaper without hearing about another terrorist attack. Of course most people claim that terrorism is "bad." But is it really "bad" or is that just another lie crafted by "the man" to keep the people down? Well as we've learned from women's magazines all across America, you don't know what you think about anything unless you take a quiz! So without further adieu, take this quiz and find out whether you have what it takes to be a terrorist...
Mad Osama's Super Sale!: We here at Mad Osama Inc. are back with incredible deals for all you Western capitalists. As everyone knows, the sons of pigs and monkeys from America have used trickery to whittle our 80,000 man army in Afghanistan down to 73 mighty mujahideen! Soon we will mount a counter-jihad that will wipe out the entire Western world. But, launching jihads isn't cheap! So although we're going to kill all of you one day, there's no reason you can't enjoy some of these crazy, crazy, deals from Mad Osama Inc in the interim! Just take a look at what we have to offer.
Al-Qaeda Job Opening: This article will be the last thing we'll see from Oz for a couple of weeks since he's joined the military. He's going off to learn Farsi, Latin, Atlantean, Faery or some other Middle Eastern language. I'm sure that this time next week he'll be learning to say "take that burqa off and dance for me my succulent little desert flower." Anyway, Oz has used his military connections to get an al Queda job interview ad that was recently run in Iraqi papers. These guys are getting desperate...
Brave Sir Bin Laden: Now for something completely different, "Brave Sir Osama." This is to be RWN's tribute to the comedic genius of Monty Python. For those of you that are unfamiliar with the song this is parodying, try to get an MP3 of "Brave Sir Robin."
The Top 10 Questions CNN Should Have Asked Osama Bin Laden: CNN recently sent 6 questions to Arab television station Al Jazeera in hopes that they could get CNN's questions to Osama Bin Laden. Well since CNN opened this can of worms, we here at Brass Knuckles Webzine have our own questions for Al Jazeera to get to Bin Laden.
The Top 10 Things Osama Bin Laden is Thinking Right Now By John Hawkins and Hadez: What is the world's most sought after man thinking right now?
Mad Osama's Afghani Real Estate Directory!: We here at Mad Osama Inc. have the hottest real estate deals in all of Afghanistan. They're hotter than an American fuel-air bomb and that's plenty hot!! Our founder and patron Osama Bin Laden has personally visited every one of these caves so he knows what great deals they are! But as everyone knows, Osama never goes to the same cave twice (sorry US special forces) so he's looking for some lucky Afghanis to take these great deals off of his hands! Let's get right down to business before the Americans show up and kill us all shall we?
Proof That Bin Laden Was Framed!: Today, Taliban leader Mullah Mohammad Omar released what he called "definitive proof" that he and Osama Bin Laden were not responsible for the attacks on America. Omar claimed that "I have a tape recording of a phone conversation that will prove that the attacks on America were planned and executed by the president of the United States, George W. Bush and the Prime Minister of Israel, Arial Sharon." RWN has gotten their hands on this tape and a transcript of it in it's entirety follows...
Al Qaeda to Cut at Least 5,000 Jobs by Anonymous: This is an anonymous article that I found (thanks to Fark) posted on a forum. It's really funny and I thought it deserved to get out to a wider audience. If you run across the source of this article, please let me know.
In My World: U.S. Troops To Be Led By Haunted Robot: Secretary of State Colin Powell plans to present evidence to the U.N. today that Saddam has weapons of mass destruction and is mocking the rest of the world. On one audio tape, Saddam reportedly says, "I have weapons of mass destruction! Stupid world; I mock them! And I am so glad the U.N. will never hear me say this!"
Defense Secretary Rumsfeld showed his support for Colin Powell. "That weak willed fool better not fail!" Rumsfeld shouted at a press conference, shaking his fist in the air.
"Chirac seems to say that he will not join the war plans no matter what," said one reporter, "How much do you plan on hurting him?"
"You must be from FOX News," Rumsfeld stated. "As for Chirac, just having other people see him after I'm done with him will be considered a crime against humanity." (Cont)
Angered By Snubbing, Libya, China Syria Form Axis Of Just As Evil: There's a tribute to Satirewire on the web today and RWN is participating. This article is one of my all time favorites from Andrew Marlatt (who I interviewed by the way). I was sorry to SatireWire go down the tubes -- the net is a little less entertaining because of it...
Iraq To Allow Weapons Inspectors Back Unconditionally, With The Following Conditions…: The truth is that this piece of satire isn't all that far from the truth...
George W. Bush: 'No Decision Has Been Made About Iraq': RWN has scooped the mainstream press again with the transcript of the latest Bush press conference in which he explains that 'no decision has been made about Iraq."
The Saddam Hussein Fan Club: We've got our first foreign advertiser! Hooray! Sure it's a Saddam Hussein fan club but I think people need to be open minded about these sorts of things. Read the article, give Saddam another chance, and I think you'll come to understand that he's not such a bad guy after all.
Axis of Evil Hires New CEO: I ran across a nifty article on Broken Newz and they gave me permission to put it up. Of course it makes sense that the 'Axis of Evil' would have a CEO since you'll find they've already had a press conference if you check the "War on Terrorism" section. Before you read the article, try to guess who it is. I'll even give you a hint: It's a comic book character.
The First 'Axis of Evil' Joint Press Conference Degenerates Into Squabbling: The first "Axis of Evil" joint press conference between Saddam Hussein of Iraq, Ayatollah Ali Khamenei of Iran, and North Korea's Kim Jong-il degenerated into squabbling over who had the "coolest sound byte" about how they would destroy America.
After Saddam Hussein said "America will face the mother of all battles again if it attack Iraq" Kim Jong-il replied by saying that Iraq should "stop using that tired old line." Kim Jong-il went on to say that Iraq should take a lesson from North Korea's usage of the phrase "America will drink the bitter tea of defeat if it dares to molest the virginal borders of North Korea." (Cont)
Interview: Saddam Hussein by Ozrael: I really like Oz's fake interviews in general and this is no exception =] He comes up with creative people to interview and writes it up well. Enjoy the article...
America's Military: Our First Defense Against The Baby Menace by Anonymous: A few months ago Anonymous decided to give up a promising career as a layabout and chronicler of wacky hijinks for an opportunity to become a translator in the military. I recently asked him write up an article about his basic training and this is what he sent me. I'm sure that after you read this you'll feel very comfortable knowing that we may nuke North Korea one day based on translations that Ozrael fieds to our government.
The Puppy-Oil Cannon: This is a great article about our newest military technology and it's funny...but in a 'how many dead babies can u pick up with a pitchfork' sort of way. If you are sensitive you may want to skip this one. Don't say I didn't warn you...
A Message to the World From The US Ambassador of Whoop Ass: Greetings to our friends, countrymen, allies and all the people we're kicking the sh*t out of. I have come before you today to because our commander and chief, George W. Bush felt that someone from the United States Government should answer the many speeches that have been made by the Taliban, Al Qaeda, and all the other wack job, extremist, psychopaths out there who are trying to pass themselves off as holy men...
How Dare the FBI Question People?!?!?: Another article that shows me doing what I do best, ruthlessly making fun of ignorant and annoying people.
The Peacenik's Guide to Anti-War Arguments: RWN's handy dandy guide for you hippies protesting the war! Just follow this easy to use script and you can save 25% more of your limited brain power for thinking about caribou, Noam Chomsky, and the best ways to use the word "imperialism" in a sentence.
The Good, the Bad, and The Ugly: RWN productions presents "The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly" with George W. Bush taking over for Clint Eastwood...
Defense Sec Rumsfeld Requests More DefCon Levels by Ian Wolff: Ian Wolff comments on our perpetual state of high alert these days.
Anthrax? Did Someone Say Anthrax? Panic, Panic, Panic!: For years the American media has been doing alarmist pieces that treat the most insignificant health threats as dire emergencies. Don't let your kids play in the ball pit or they'll die!! Mother of God, you don't drink a glass of wine with dinner every night? Your heart could explode at any time!!!!! Well people are getting worked up into this huge frenzy over anthrax. People are treating this like it's Ebola cubed. Meanwhile, there's been exactly 1, count 'em, 1 death so far from anthrax. Some of the people who've been exposed have already gone back to work and yet people are going out of their minds. Sure it should be treated seriously and sure there could be more deaths. But going bonkers over anthrax is silly. So far it's been completely, utterly, ineffective and yet people are getting hysterical over it. It's so ridiculous. Anyway, I sat down with 3 real Americans (**wink wink**) and had a heart to heart chat with them about anthrax. Enjoy......
The War On Terrorism: Where Do Nations Stand?: RWN's foreign correspondents have put together an article to inform the public where nations across the world stand on the "War Against Terrorism".
The Diary of a College Peace Activist by Ozrael: Biting satire aimed at peace weenies from Ozrael? No way =)
The Top 10 Worst Replacement Names For Operation Infinite Justice Part 2: Operation Enduring Freedom sounds like the name of a Disney film about an army of chipmunks and squirrels that team up to fight a bunch of evil owls. Read this article and get some even worse replacement names of Operation Infinite Justice.
The Top 10 Worst Replacement Names for Operation Infinite Justice: Operation "Infinite Justice" is being scrapped because it's offensive to some Muslims who believe only Allah can dispense justice. We here at Brass Knuckles have come up with the 10 worst replacement names for operation "Infinite Justice".
The Top 10 Reasons Sesame Street Never Caught On With The Palestinians: American culture is spreading across the globe like a virus but it doesn't catch on everywhere. Take Sesame Street for example, it just doesn't translate that well to the suicide bomber culture of the Palestinians in Israel's "Occupied Territories." That's why RWN and File 13's Amish Tech Support tried to figure out why the show really hasn't on caught on in Yasser Arafat's little fiefdom. Here's what we came up with...
Arafat Telephone Transcripts Revealed By Meryl Yourish: Eat your heart out, Drudge. Glenn, ya snooze, ya lose. Yourish.com has obtained the actual transcripts of Yasser Arafat's phone calls to world leaders from inside his besieged compound! It's another exclusive from the folks that brought you "Iseema bin Laden's Diary!" Without further ado: (Cont)
God's First Day As Head Negotiator in the Middle Eastern Conflict Goes Poorly: Hey, we've tried Bill Clinton and Anthony Zinni. Why not let the "big guy" take a shot at it?
|
|||||
|
|
| |||
