The Top 7 Reasons You Should Hate Babies

by John Hawkins | November 18, 2018 3:44 pm

1. They’re lazy

Is there anything lazier than a baby? I mean, even shiftless career welfare bums walk out of the house to the mailbox to get a check. Give a baby a can of oysters with an EZ-open pull tab and the baby will literally starve to death because he doesn’t want to put in the effort it takes to open it up. The really young ones are so lazy they won’t even hold their heads up. Give me a break!

2. They’re totally selfish

Does your baby ever ask you how your day is going? Does he ever clean his own diaper? Can he even refrain from yowling like the Krampus is eating his foot on Christmas morning when he wants something? No, he can’t. Know why? He’s totally selfish. It’s all me, me, me with babies. Grow up, you selfish little [email protected]

3. They’re creepy

They often stare at you and drool. If a grown man did that, you’d call the police. Then, they lie there staring absent-mindedly at any bright object in the room while they chew on anything they can manage to shove in their mouths — just what someone possessed by a demon might do. That doesn’t mean all babies are possessed by a demon, but if they were, could we really tell the difference?

4. They’re expensive

Formula, cribs, clothes, car seats, diapers, toys, and of course, reinforced cages and earplugs for the parents. Babies are EXPENSIVE, and do they even work a part-time job to pay for their expenses? Of course, not. At least in the good old days, you could send kids off to the coal mines once they turned four so they could start earning their keep. But these days? Babies are like pets. They’ll never earn their keep. At least dogs watch the house.

5. They’re boring

Do they ever quote Shakespeare? Do they play video games with you? Do they talk about their favorite baseball players? No, it’s just wah, wah, wah, wah. Oh, I’m a baby, so I cry all the time. Wah, wah, wah, wah. That’s alternating with drooling and goo, goo, gah, gahs. Even your grandpa’s long, boring stories that never go anywhere are better than that.

6. They’re dumb

A baby will eat poison, pull a TV over on himself, and take a dog treat off the floor and put it in his mouth. They’re like dogs, but not as smart. At least you can teach dogs a trick. They can fetch, roll over and sit. Try a comparison. Ask your dog to sit and then ask your baby to sit. The dog will be sitting there waiting for a treat while the baby will look at you with dull, uncomprehending eyes because he’s an idiot.

7. They’re attention whores

Relatives you haven’t seen in a decade barge into your house demanding to see the baby. The grandparents show up. Everyone goes nuts over the babies and the little @sses lie there soaking it in like tiny Kim Kardashians. Oh, everybody stop what you’re doing and look at me! I’m a baby. Geeze, get over yourself!

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