The Republican’s Translation Guide: What Are Democrats Really Saying?

by John Hawkins | January 1, 2012 9:05 pm

Have you ever noticed that famous Democrats like Bill Clinton, Ted Kennedy, and Jessie Jackson seem to lie all the time? Well they’re not really lying! You just need to learn to speak Democrat. That’s why RWN created this handy, dandy, translation guide so you can understand what Democrats actually mean.

Our opponents refuse to compromise on this issue:: The Republicans refuse to do everything we want.

That charge is outrageous:: That charge is true but you shouldn’t have brought it up in public.

We’re united behind president Bush in this time of crisis for our country:: We’re going to cut president Bush off at the knees every chance we get.

Honey I need a little quiet time right now:: I got drunk and drove a car containing a campaign worker I was boffing off a bridge. She’s dead, the car is at the bottom of a tidal pool, and I have influential relatives to call and people to bribe before I call the cops so can you cut me a little slack?

Every vote must be counted in this election:: Except for the military vote because they tend to go Republican.

The era of big government is over:: But the era of Godzilla sized government is just beginning if I can help it.

I did not have sexual relations with that woman:: We had sex on every piece of furniture in the White House.

I think we need to take a closer look at what’s going on in this industry:: I think we need to strangle this industry with red tape and new regulations until it’s so screwed up that we have to take over.

We must address the root causes of this problem:: We must not do anything to effectively address this problem. Instead we must raise taxes and pour dump trucks worth of money into whatever unrelated issue we have decided is the cause of the problem.

No justice, no peace:: Give us money and we’ll find someone else to bother.

He’s in the pocket of big oil:: He was once seen filling up the tank of his car with gas.

I didn’t inhale:: I was so stoned that I thought I could fly.

I have no information about where my former intern is:: That’s technically true. I told the guys I hired to kill her that I didn’t want to know any details.

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