The RWN Real-Estate Sale

by John Hawkins | January 1, 2012 12:04 am

After being a webmaster for two years I’ve learned one thing. Being a webmaster sucks! You write day and night to please a bunch of cheap, pimple faced, techno-geeks who spend all day playing Everquest and all night watching Monty Python movies. Do they ever tell any of their friends about BKW? No way! They’re too busy pretending they’re one of the “Knights that say Ni” or a “Jedi Knight” or whatever it is you nerds like to do (I don’t mean you, I mean everyone else reading the page). So screw this webmaster stuff, I’m getting into real-estate!

I spent all my money buying these new homes in the hottest real estate market in America, Kooks Crossing, Montana! Desolate, yet isolated, Kooks Crossing has drawn serial killers, militia groups, white supremacists, “Deliverance” style banjo playing hicks, and religious cults from across the country. What’s drawing all these misfits to Montana? Great deals like this one….


Nature Lovers “Rejoice”


– Get back to nature by sharing a house with the family of grizzly bears living in the back of the house.

– Bats living in the rafters keep the house free of bugs.

– Lack of doors and windows allow you to experience nature up close and personal every night.

– Nearby swamp makes sure that you have complete access to all the alligators and water moccasins you could ever want.

– 74 different species of lice, mosquitoes, flies, fleas, cockroaches and ticks live within a 12 mile radius of your house. It’s an insect collector’s dream.

– Large amounts of asbestos and cyanide based paint keeps the scorpions away…most of the time.



Affordable Trailer


– This trailer still comes with 2/3rd’s of it’s original windows and doors.

– Experience the thrill of flying every time a tornado comes by.

– Abandoned mine shaft in front yard is covered with the sturdiest bed sheet available at Kmart.

– Being an 11 mile walk from the nearest road insures that you’ll have your privacy.

– Do you hate Hilliary Clinton? So do we! We can guarantee that Hilliary Clinton has never been in this trailer.

– Caretaker “Homeless Jim” will make sure your every need is cared for in return for being allowed to sleep out back.

Grab this hot deal before the county condemns it and wrecks your new home!!


Fixer Upper

– Last 4 residents of this house have committed suicide. Some people say it’s because of the ghosts but I think the flesh eating rats are a more likely explanation.

– Holes in the walls would be great spots to put windows.

– Gaps in the roof are patched with only the highest quality aluminum foil

– The walls are solid as a rock..unless they are touched.

– The house comes with a dirt floor which means you never need to vacuum.

– Every time the front door is opened the porch collapses. This is a great way to keep burglars out.

Buy this one before it completely falls apart and you have to live in a tent. You don’t want you children to live in a tent…or do you?


Life on the High Seas


– The bottom of the boat was ripped out on a sandbar. That means you don’t have to worry about your boat floating away when you’re at work.

– 11 years worth of built up seagull crap insures that you won’t have to paint.

– The motor doesn’t work but we have provided paddles.

– Tricking your mother in law into taking a swim in the leech infested waters around your boat may help keep your inlaws from visiting.

– The stern of the boat is completely flooded. Some people view this as a minus but we like to think of it as an “indoor pool”.

– Comes with a complimentary pair of swim fins and a snorkel if you pay up front and waive your right to sue.

Buy this boat or I’ll kill you, I’ll just freaking kill you!!

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