The Woman’s Translation Guide: What Are Men Really Saying?

by John Hawkins | January 1, 2012 9:07 pm

I have now realized after reading Mary Allen’s “Free Boobies” article that many women are puzzled as to what men really mean when they say things. Many women take what men say at face value and that’s a huge mistake that can lead to a lot of frustration. Men across the world are going to be furious at me for making this public but I feel I have an obligation to do the right thing for BKW’s 4 female readers (Hi Minka, Nano, Mary and Kitty). Without further ado, BKW’s “male translation guide”.

I don’t find women with big boobs attractive:: I’m popping “Busty Amateurs #11” into the VCR as soon as you go home.

I only asked if you wanted to go to a strip club to see the reaction on your face:: I only asked if you wanted to go to a strip club so I could try to talk you into a threesome with one of strippers.

Honey I’m glad you brought this up so we could talk it out:: SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP, YOU STUPID COW!!!

Having anal sex with you doesn’t turn me on at all. Yuck!:: Honest to God, the next time she nags me about having my feet on the coffee table I’m going to “slip”. That’ll teach her!

I believe in starting slow in a relationship. I’m in no hurry to sleep with you:: You have two dates to put out or I dump you and go out with a trashy girl I met at an Orange Julius shop yesterday.

I understand exactly what you mean:: Maybe this will shut her up so I can watch the Bronco’s game in peace.

So you know her from school, huh? Sure she can stay over for a few days:: I wonder if I can talk them into a threesome?

You think I’m cheating on you? How could you ever think I’d cheat on you? You’re my world! You don’t know how badly it hurts me to know that you don’t trust me:: That’s the last time I have sex with another woman in our bed when she’s not here. I’m going to have to be a lot more careful from now on.

I’m with you because I love you for your mind:: I’m with you because you sort of look like a cheerleader who I was really attracted to in high school.

That Hawkins guy is a pig. None of that stuff is true:: Sure he’s right but if I tell her that I’m sleeping on the couch for the next 2 weeks.

Oh no honey, your butt doesn’t look too big at all:: Oh yeah, like I’m giving you an honest answer to that one. If you’re so concerned about your butt why don’t you lay off the oreos and ice cream and you won’t have to worry about it.

I have no interest in my secretary. I can’t believe you’d think I was attracted to her:: It’ll take at least 3 weeks to get into my secretary’s pants. By then this will have blown over and when I ask to work late she won’t think anything about it.

You’re the most wonderful woman I’ve ever met. You’re all I’ve ever wanted. You’re my world:: I imagine that you’re Britney Spears when we have sex.

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