by John Hawkins | February 21, 2013 12:16 am
Are cats really the Honey Boo Boo of the animal world? No, Honey Boo Boo is the Honey Boo Boo of the animal world, while cats are more like the Lindsay Lohan of the animal world – difficult, unpredictable, hard to like, and probably high on catnip.: Oh, cats look cute: when they’re in the bobblehead kitten stage or swatting away at yarn, but as you get to know the little beasts, you start to realize that they’re merely trying to lull you into complacency so they can steal your breath after you fall asleep. An old wives’ tale? Well, is it just an old wives’ tale that if a cop beats a hippy with his nightstick then he’ll have good luck for seven years? I think not. On the other hand, dogs are superior to cats in every way and if you don’t agree, well then, good luck with your empty life without a soul.
Can you teach a cat to sit? To roll over? To come when it’s called? No, because cats are stupid. Granted, dogs are stupid, too, but they’re probably on the same level as your two year old. A cat is closer in intelligence to a geranium – if a geranium had claws and a certain feral cunning it could use to track, torment, and kill smaller plants for its own amusement. Is that what you’d want for a plant you loved? To be at the mercy of a hateful geranium? You cat people are just sick! Sick!
You don’t have to guess whether a dog is happy to see you or not because every time you come home, he dances around the room, jumps in circles, wags his tail, and generally acts like you would if you won the lottery, gained super powers, and cured cancer all at the same time. Meanwhile, cats skulk around the house, hide from you, and like to sit out of reach, preferably somewhere in the kitchen where their fur can fall in your food. Ironically, the general indifference of cats is what makes them charming to some people. “Ooooh, I know I’m just about to win kitty over with this bowl of milk, his favorite toy, and a scratching post and….kitty, no, don’t pee on that, kitty, no! Oooh, I have to try harder to get kitty to like me!”
Dogs have spent thousands of years earning the title “man’s best friend” while cats spent that time perfecting the art of spitting up hairballs. Your dog would rather sleep outside on the ground with you than inside a warm, comfortable house. Your cat is kind of hoping you’ll die so he can eat you. Dogs use the bathroom outside. Cats stink up your house by insisting on using a litter box. Dogs are renowned for their loyalty. Cats are mainly known for murdering small animals and dropping them in front of their owners in an attempt to horrify and intimidate them. The very fact that dogs chase cats is actually proof that they’re concerned about the welfare of human beings and are trying to stop them from getting cat cooties.
Sure, cats are cute when they play with toys, but so are dogs. Of course, dogs also don’t generally scatter the contents of their litter box across the floor, scratch you until they draw blood for random reasons, and generally get in the way of whatever you’re doing. On the other hand, you pick up a paper and the cat lies on it. Try to go to sleep and the cat walks on your face. Walk down the stairs and the cat runs between your legs. Dogs want to be your pal, while your cat will only tolerate you because you feed it and because secretly, it wants to work with a coven of other felines to turn you into a crazy cat lady.
Dogs are friendly animals that view human beings not so much as their servants or masters, but as part of their pack. They love and accept people as their friends, their equals, and their brothers in the animal kingdom. On the other hand, cat lovers should be honest enough to admit the truth: Your cat would eat you and everyone you love if it could. Worse yet, it would toy with you, enjoying your suffering and fear – as it bats you around with its claws before it grows tired of your mournful cries and engineers your grisly demise with its razor-sharp teeth. Remember that the next time you are giving your little snoogums a kiss before night night.
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