by John Hawkins | February 14, 2013 1:57 am
It’s no secret that there are guys out there who get on everyone’s nerves — the male feminists, the bronies, and dudes who need to pull their pants up. But don’t get too high and mighty, ladies, because no matter how much perfume some of you put on, your crap still stinks.
1) The Pity Vampire: These chicks are like vampires — and not the sparkly, broody overprotective kind. They lure you in by playing on your compassion. They tell you a sad story about the awful break they’ve had, the rotten people they’re surrounded with, and how terrible their life has become. You feel so bad for the Pity Vampire that you just want to hug her and yet, the worst thing is, the bad news just keeps on coming. You know that because she wants to tell you every detail of how mean people are to her, how sad she is, and how she feels so much better because you’ve shown up. Then eventually, after she’s bathed in your empathy like a scuba diver for months, you realize the awful truth: She’s like this ALL THE TIME. You thought you were being nice to someone going through a rough patch, but really you had a Pity Vampire milking you of the nectar of human kindness.
2) The No Drama Mama: Whenever a woman announces that, “She doesn’t do drama,” start slowly backing away to avoid being caught in the planet-sized gravity field of drama that surrounds her. It’s like telling the room, “I don’t kick puppies” or “I don’t shake babies” out of the blue. Shouldn’t that go without saying? Would you let a person with a “I don’t drop kittens off the roof” shirt on near a tall building with your kittens? No, because you don’t want your kittens splattering on the cement while she points to her shirt and proclaims her innocence, just like No Drama Mama has nothing to do with the fact that all hell is breaking loose around her on a regular basis.
3) The Man Hater: The really pathetic thing about women who go on and on about how horrible men are is that it’s obviously a big front. What these women really want is for a Prince Charming to come along, sweep them off their feet, and prove that they’re all wrong. Of course, the cream of the male crop are already in demand and don’t feel the need to put up with, “What do you call a man with half a brain? Gifted” jokes to find the women of their dreams. Does a man who thinks women are only good for bringing him beer, the remote, and putting out appeal to women? Of course, not. So, why would the female equivalent do anything other than repel men?
4) Gold Digger: Essentially, these women are amateur, freelance escorts because their relationships with men are purely transactional. You have money and you’re willing to spend it; then you can “buy” some of their time. Too harsh? Okay, well, know how women hate guys who lie to them, use them for sex, and then leave “to get breakfast” and never come back again? Well, that’s basically the same formula a gold digger uses when she deals with men. She pretends to like them, uses them for their money, and will never call them again if they lose it. The problem with selling yourself like a product is that eventually, when a product gets old and busted, people throw it away.
5) The Feminazi: You might think these women are identical to the Man Haters, but au contraire, there are so many other features that make the hardcore feminists irritating beyond their loathing of the male species. Take their creepy, overly-passionate love of abortion, oddball rants about the patriarchy and their bizarre, contradictory view of the world. One day, they’re encouraging women to have sex like a man and complaining about “slut shaming;” then the next day they’re accusing men of being potential rapists and sexually harassing women by asking them out. Take that hairy sandwich and top it with a big helping of misplaced, self-righteous anger and you have someone normal human beings steer clear of whenever possible.
6) Guys, Don’t Look At My Hot, Hot Sexy Body!: It’s hard to understand why a woman would dress like an extra in a rap video, with skin tight jeans and her cleavage busting out of her top, and then would spend the whole night complaining about guys staring at her. If it makes you uncomfortable to have men staring at your behind, maybe it shouldn’t have “juicy” written on it. Just a thought.
7) Detailerella: Most people like to talk about what’s going on in their life, but they’re smart enough to stick to the highlights. On the other hand, some women want to tell you every. last. single. detail. of. what. happened. to. them. today. Granted, that might be fun — once — if she’s a professional cage fighter or a CIA field agent. However, absolutely nobody on earth is interested in a 15 rundown of what happened to a bank teller or secretary today. People are even less interested in hearing that same rundown EVERY DAY. In fact, after it happens enough times, you can be sure that they’ve completely zoned out to keep from having to bludgeon themselves to death with the nearest heavy object.
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