by John Hawkins | December 12, 2011 12:11 am
Being positive, motivated, goal oriented, and focused is a lot of hard work. That’s why ever so often you have to stop, smell the roses, and kvetch about all the stupidity in the world like…
1) Avatar: It’s the highest grossing movie of all time and there’s absolutely nothing good to be said about it other than the fact that it was visually stunning. Personally? I was rooting for the humans to annihilate the giant blue Smurfs. All I can say is that when there are human beings going up against Aliens, Monsters, or the Undead, I’m with the humans.
2) The Baby Boomers: How bizarre is it that the Greatest Generation birthed so many over-educated, under-performing, selfish, self-absorbed, hubristic ignoramuses that the Boomers may end up destroying the American Dream? When the history of America is written, it may very well turn out that even Hitler wasn’t as dangerous to America as these human locusts in the Baby Boom generation who have come to believe that the height of civilization and sophistication is, “If it feels good, do it.”
3) Justin Bieber: He’s an effeminate, caterwauling child-man whose main talent is appearing non-threatening to teenage girls and gay men while he belts out music that’s so bad, compared to him *NSYNC sounds as talented as Beethoven.
4) Lady Gaga: How did a fame-whore who’s no more or less talented than two dozen other famous and semi-famous female singers become the Madonna of her generation? By wearing meat dresses and Kermit the Frog coats. So naturally, a woman who has become a star because she dresses like something Elton John would dream of during a bad acid trip wants to insert himself into political issues she knows nothing about. She should stick to things she knows better like singing, shaking her behind, and hoping people don’t start buying music based on talent, instead of who has the flashiest outfit.
5) Cell Phone creeps: How hard is basic cell phone etiquette, really? Don’t talk on the cell while you’re driving so that you can avoid getting distracted and sliding into a school bus full of children? Don’t talk in the theater? Don’t stop in the middle of a meal to check Twitter. Don’t have a loud conversation on your cell around strangers. Is this rocket science? Do you HAVE to use the technology just because you have it, no matter what the circumstances are? What, were you raised by hippies? Wolves? Wolves that ate the hippies?
6) Funeral Cheerleaders: Everybody seems to loathe Fred Phelps and his lunatic clan of funeral-protesting troglodytes, but the spirit behind what he’s doing is becoming more common than people think. It’s dismaying to see this, “Hey, somebody famous I don’t like died today; so I’m going to make a big public show of letting everyone know how much I didn’t like him!” We’re not talking about enemies of our country like Hitler or Bin Laden here; we’re talking celebrities and political figures. If you can’t manage to shut your big yap until someone you don’t like is in the ground, then it reflects badly on the people who raised you, your character, and your basic humanity.
7) The Twilight Series: These are films about a 100 year old, sparkly vampire carrying on an affair with an exceptionally vapid teenage girl. The entire series could be sponsored by NAMBLA and the whole, “She’s attracted to him because he might lose control and hurt her” vibe is almost like a subliminal, supernatural apology for wife-beating.
8) Anonymous: A gang of maladjusted bullies and losers have taken to picking on people online because pushing around small kids at school is too physically risky for computer nerds and spending more time than any of their friends playing World of Warcraft didn’t give them enough of a sense of power.
9) Rotten parents of bratty kids: All kids are bratty sometimes. Oh, I know, not YOUR little angel…please, we all know better. So, it’s not so much annoying children who are irritating as their parents who stand by and do nothing when their little snot-nosed orcs bawl in the theater, run wild in stores, scream at the top of their lungs, and generally make nuisances of themselves. You parents who are like that? I know the lecture you’re getting ready to deliver and let me just stop you right there: Your brat should be YOUR problem, not everyone else’s problem. Act like it.
10) The People Cheering On Charle Sheen: Oh, Charlie Sheen’s so funny! He said, “Tiger Blood!” He said, “Winning!” Ha, ha, ha. Give this guy his own roast on Comedy Central! We love this guy! Great job, asshats. Just keep cheering on the male version of Amy Winehouse while his life disintegrates around him. Maybe his funeral will be on TV so all of you jackals can squeeze five more minutes of entertainment out of the slow motion destruction of another human being’s life.
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