My Theory Of How The World Works: Blame It All On Women

by John Hawkins | April 29, 2011 3:17 am

As a conservative, I think you have to judge people as individuals. White, black, conservative, liberal, male, female — at the end of the day, each person deserves to be evaluated on his actions and his character. That being said, there are some people who look at the world a little differently. They may think we’re a patriarchy or wonder why men behave the way they do. When I hear someone taking a shot at “men” on the whole…let’s just say I have a bit of a different take on the subject.

Here’s my theory of how the world works. Men, on some level or another, begin by doing EVERYTHING that they do because they think it’s the best way to appeal to women. Then, after awhile, activities can take on a life of their own.

In other words, the guy who invented the wheel? He probably was ultimately motivated by the idea that he could wheel women’s stuff around for them and they’d like it. The guy behind fire? He probably figured women would like to warm themselves up beside of it. Even guys who helped build Space Shuttle were probably walking up to women in bars going, “Wow, that’s pretty amazing, isn’t it? A man going to the moon. Did you know I helped build that? There are only like 11 men in the world qualified to do it.”

Think about it from an evolutionary perspective. Whether you believe human beings evolved from a lesser species or not, pretty much everybody believes humans evolve within species. So, if you’re alive today, it’s because every generation for thousands of generations, your ancestors managed to successfully breed. Therefore, it goes to reason that many of the traits that made your ancestors successful are present in you and likely to be impacting your behavior in ways great and small.

That’s why we owe women such a debt of thanks. Even back in the day when men didn’t let them vote, didn’t let them work, and treated them like chattel, they STILL were the driving force behind what men were doing.

Now some of the men reading this are going, “Horsecrap! I don’t do anything to impress women and they love me anyway!” And see, this is where it gets VERY interesting. Because if, on the one hand, most of the great things men do are ultimately about women, then most of the horrible things men do are also all about women.

Take the, “Horsecrap! I don’t do anything to impress women and they love me anyway” guy. Guess what? He’s probably right. Women will choose that guy over the super nice, can’t do enough to please them guy, 99 times out of 100. Incidentally, that’s puzzling at first to men.

Several times in my life, I’ve had conversations that go something like this…

Me: How’s it going?

Girl: Terrible! My boyfriend is SO mean to me! He yells at me all the time and tells me I’m fat! And he just cheated on me with one of my friends!

Me: That’s terrible. Why don’t you dump him?

Girl: I can’t because I love him SO MUCH!

Of course, the reason the men behave that way is because there are a lot of women who RESPOND POSITIVELY TO IT. That doesn’t mean all women like bad behavior, but there are enough of them that do… that it drives a lot of men to behave that way.

This is also true on a more global scale. There are a lot of women who like dominant men with money, power, and prestige — and generally, they’re not too picky about where the men get it. So, if you want to know why Wall Street flimflam men, drug dealers, and even spammers get started — well, there you go. Sure, they may like the trappings of money and power, too, but initially they go in that direction because they think it will make them more appealing to the females of our species.

All this came up when I was discussing the Royal Wedding with my pal Cara Ellison[1]. The Royal Wedding is chick crack, precisely because it appeals to women’s instinctive fantasy of marrying into power, money, and opulence. It’s the ultimate woman’s dream — getting married to a fantastically rich, powerful leader in a lavish public ceremony. Cara is completely intoxicated with the whole affair. I am not. Hence this fairly accurate snippet from Cara’s blog about our conversation that we had last night[2],

I’ve got royal wedding fever and the only cure is seeing Kate Middleton’s dress! I’m gaga for England on the best day — I lived there for a blissful year, and I still feel like London is my second home. But this is beyond my usual longing for dear old Blighty. This is out and out mania about the royal wedding — and the royals themselves. I am DVR-ing all of the pre-game, the wedding, and the post-game. I’m talking to everyone I know about the lineage of the House of Windsor, and basically spilling forth like a Dutch dyke every evening, despite my efforts to remain mysterious on the subject.

Leave me alone, I am very happy.

This evening I called a friend who informed me I was making quite the to-do over nothing. He informed me he would like to get married at Chuck E Cheese. “The rat could marry us, then we’d eat,” he said.

My hair caught on fire.

Men and women have different fantasies. The prototypical female fantasy is marrying a rich, powerful guy who looks like Brad Pitt in a Royal Wedding. The male fantasy would be to have a harem of 50 different women we could talk to and sleep with as we chose. As a general rule, most of us don’t get what we want and we settle for what we hope will be a happy compromise for both sides.

…..Which brings up the second half of my conversation with Cara, which was on the topic at hand. I pointed out to her that on a fundamental level, men do the things they do to get women — even the bad things. Then, I took the conversation to the next level by pointing out that Hitler was a failed artist. Obviously, he tried to go the artistic route and when he failed, that’s when he went on to become a monster whose name became synonymous with evil.

So, I asked Cara, “If you could go back in time and date Hitler when he was an artist, he probably would have been content to keep making art and the world would have been spared WWII. If I had a time machine, would you be game?”

What do you think her answer was? Of course, it was, “No.” Not even to save the world. It’s hard to blame her though. Keep in mind, we wouldn’t even be talking, “World leader Hitler” here; it would be “Failed Artist Hitler.”

Now, many women may be thinking that in a roundabout way, I just blamed women for Hitler. But, let’s face it; If being an evil world dictator were an incredible turn-off to women, there probably wouldn’t be any. So knights and villains, nice guys and jerks, dictators and saints — men are the way they are and do the things they do, good and bad, primarily because of women. Remember that the next time you hear someone doing a little male bashing.

  1. Cara Ellison:
  2. our conversation that we had last night:

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