How To Survive Thanksgiving 2016 In Poem Or Something(?)

How To Survive Thanksgiving 2016 In Poem Or Something(?)


Alright, I said yesterday’s post on how liberals can survive Thanksgiving with their family and friends would be the last one. But, hey, this is just too irresistible, as the Washington Post, one of the nation’s top papers, allows Alexandra Petri, a long time WP columnist, to indulge herself

How to survive Thanksgiving 2016

how can you speak to your family at thanksgiving?
how can you speak to anyone ever again?

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do not attempt to converse with anyone over the meal
instead whisper your retorts into a cluster of reeds
carry this cluster of reeds with you throughout the thanksgiving meal
plant them by the side of the highway where they can scream obscenities at passersby and sometimes just ask for more stuffing

before the meal make a sweep of the house
you must find a place to hide for when the purge begins
or when grandma says something you don’t agree with
which is like a purge in some ways
either way you should familiarize yourself with household decorations that can be transformed into rudimentary weapons
just in case

warn your family that if they speak the Forbidden Name three times you will shake off your skin and become a thing of rage and indignation that is too fearsome to behold
last week you accidentally turned on Fox News and bit a bat in half
you don’t know yet what you are capable of
when you recovered yourself your bank account was empty and mike pence’s office was calling and you don’t know what happened

I’m having a tough time deciding if she’s serious or utterly making fun of Safe Space Snowflakes and all the “advice” they’ve been giving their liberal brethren while using balladry. Reading the rest (hit the link) makes me lean towards the latter.

Fortunately, Excitable E.J. Dionne is more serious on The Way To Prevent Thanksgiving Armageddon.

As for his supporters, they dismiss us as snobbish left-wing elitists completely out of touch with what’s happening in the “real America.”

Interesting. Liberals call us Flyover Country, and say we live in Jesusland and Dumbfuckistan, obviously none of which are complementary. Thankfully, Salon, a hotbed of Leftist insanity, provides multiple articles, including one on how to survive the post election holidays. Why restrict yourself to just wondering how to survive Thanksgiving?

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