by Jenn Q. Public | August 29, 2010 11:24 pm
Originally posted at David Horowitz’s NewsReal
Dirty Sexy Politics by Meghan McCain is scheduled for release on August 31. But you don’t have to wait until Tuesday to see what didn’t make the final editorial cut. NewsReal Blog has obtained exclusive excerpts from the chapters rejected by Meggie Mac’s editors.
1. How Dare People Gawk At My Boobs When I Posted Them Publicly On Twitter
Meghan McCain infamously posted a picture of her, shall we say, “cups over-flowing” on Twitter the very same day that the Balloon Boy hoax went down. Presumably because, as a publicity hound extraordinaire, she couldn’t stand the focus being on some icky kid. From fly-over country, no less. As such, she tried to insert herself, and her massive ta-tas, in the mix. And then feigned indignation when people looked at the picture — that she posted publicly on the Internet. She attempted to make this a pop-up chapter in her book.
OMG! All those meany pantser, objectifiers on twitter didn’t understand that picture was code and a public service! I’m a giver! I was trying to let them know balloon boy was safely hidden, tucked away in my cleavage. Hello? I was holding a book! Everyone knows reading is hard. The purty picture on the book was code, too, obvy. Andy Warhol – a sign that the balloon boy people were just trying to steal MY 15 minutes of fame thunder.
The Andy Warhol book was relevant, seeing that Meghan McCain is well past her 15 minutes. However, sadly, the chapter was omitted because while CNN did not fact check the Balloon Boy story prior to setting the nation in a tizzy, they did fact check Meggie Mac’s ta-tas. Endlessly. Proving once again that journalism is, in fact, as dead as Janeane Garofalo’s career.
As for the Balloon Boy scam and the totally empty hot air balloon? STILL more substantive than Meghan McCain.
2. How I Survived Being Stalked by Über Creepy Karl Rove
In this chapter, Meghan recorded her bizarre cyber stalking fantasy featuring the one, the only, The Architect Karl Rove. Here’s a taste:
Karl Rove is a total creep. You have NO idea. He follows me on Twitter. All the time! How freaky is that? Like I wrote in my groundbreaking Daily Beast column last year (where they PAY ME to write!!), “I’ve never met him in person, which only makes our Twitter relationship even weirder.” I wonder if the other people he Twitter stalks are as freaked out as I am. At first he was all boring and stuff, but then I realized, this pervo hangs on my every word. He knows what I eat, what I wear to bed … he even knows which celebrities totally heart me for being all mavericky like my dad.
I’m sorry, but I’m a liberated progressive Republican woman and I have a constitutional right to tweet about my sex-positivity without creepy Karl in the mix. I swear he was on the verge of sending me stuff like this:
And don’t get me started on Sheriff Joe Arpaio. He wants me bad, the dirty old lech.
But I learned so, so much from what I went through, like how to put those dot thingies over the U in the word Über. And that violence against women is totally real and can happen to anyone even if your dad is a famous maverick. It really almost could have sort of happened to me if not for my awesome and supportive Twitter fam. Love you guys! Shout out!
This sort of inanity might have made it past editorial scrutiny at The Daily Beast (where they’re usually laughing at Meghan, not with her), but the team at Hyperion wasn’t having it. The chapter was cut when they realized that Senator McCain’s daughter was one of more than 13,000 people being “followed” by Rove back in April 2009 when the alleged creepiness took place. In all likelihood, Meghan’s number one Twitter creep was completely (and blissfully) unaware of her tweets. That, of course, didn’t stop her from imagining up a faux controversy to help her meet her Daily Beast deadline.
3. Why Can’t People Believe in God in, Like, Socially Acceptable Progressive Ways?
Christianity isn’t the progressive accepted religion, it seems. Especially according to master theologian Meghan McCain, who tapes duct tape over her mouth in protest of those opposed to same-sex marriage, as if anyone is silencing her. Believe us, they are not. As her constant and grating appearances on various shows attest. But still, you see, Christians are intolerant — If you are among the delusional, like Meghan McCain, that is.
I mean, why can’t those yucky intolerant H8rs do what I want? Why do they make everything good or bad? Why can’t things be good-good and just-good? Why does there have to be bad? That’s so divisive and H8r-y!
And why are they so prude-y? I totally love sex. Holla, Tila Tequila! *wink* And I’m really edgy because I tweet about it.
Plus, like, Maureen Dowd – she’s super smart and gives awesome cocktail parties – she says that Catholicism is really icky. It’s even, like, more oppressive to girl power than Islam. I mean, at least Islam rocks those super cool scarves and those really pretty veils and stuff! Do they make them in pink?
Chapter omitted. Due to outright idiocy. The editors must be some of those hateful Christians, natch.
4. I Am Beautiful In Every Single Way
In early 2009, radio host Laura Ingraham took an on-air shot at Meggie Mac’s weight. Without hesitation, Meghan latched onto the opportunity to fashion herself into the latest role model for women. Which, of course, meant a Daily Beast column brimming with plus-size-friendly platitudes and a handful of painfully trite girl power tweets. “To all the curvy girls out there, don’t let anyone make you feel bad about your body. I love my curves and you should love yours too,” she tweeted. And then there was her guest hosting stint on “The View” in which she told Ingraham, “Kiss my fat ass!”
Knowing Meghan’s track record of peddling silly body image cliches to women, her editors really weren’t surprised when she proposed a chapter on the topic. But they were a bit taken aback when they read the awfully familiar passage Meghan submitted.
by Christina Aguilera <3 Meghan M. McCain <3
Every day is so wonderful
And suddenly it’s hard to breathe
Now and then I get insecure
From all the pain, feel so ashamed
I am beautiful no matter what they say
Words can’t bring me down
I am beautiful in every single way
Yes, words can’t bring me down, oh no
So don’t you bring me down today
To all your friends you’re delirious
So consumed in all your doom
Tryin’ hard to fill the emptiness, the piece is gone
Left the puzzle undone, ain’t that the way it is?
‘Cause you are beautiful no matter what they say
Words can’t bring you down, oh no
You are beautiful in every single way
Yes, words can’t bring you down, oh no
So don’t you bring me down today
Unsure of whether to laugh or cry, Meghan’s editors shook their heads, sighed, and wondered if her high six-figure advance would ever pay off. They shredded Meggie Aguilera’s chapter on body image and agreed they would never again speak of The Plagiarism Incident. Just to be safe, they also changed the title of Meghan’s book from Dirrty Sexy Politics to Dirty Sexy Politics. Law suit averted!
5. Kathleen Parker is The Bomb and Ann Coulter is A Poop Head
To the painfully ignorant, “speaking one’s mind” automatically makes you an individual and rebellious. Even if, like Meghan McCain, you do so in order to be a sheep, in super cute clothing. They don’t realize they are actually the antithesis of individuality. And they don’t see the irony in attempting to shut people up who do not agree with them 100% of the time. Dare to disagree? Hateful dinosaur.
Kathleen Parker is my new BFF. She totally digs me, even though she mentioned me at the same time as the evil Darth Cheney’s daughter. I’m totally adding her to my Hanukwanzamas card list! She’s not like that h8r-ade drinker, Anne Coulter. You guys, did you read my essay at Daily Beast about that? It was super awesome. I write at The Daily Beast, you know. For reals! I’m, like, a writer and stuff!
Anyways, she’s a poop head. And she doesn’t even have a juicy ass! Right, boys? Wink! OMG – I look so cute when I wink! So, girlfriends, look what I wrote.
“Everything about her is extreme: her voice, her interview tactics, and especially the public statements she makes about liberals,” McCain wrote. “Maybe her popularity stems from the fact that watching her is sometimes like watching a train wreck.”
Super cool me: 1. H8r-ade drinker Coulter: 0
This chapter was rejected when the editors went into fits of hysterics over the quote and realized that if they only replaced the word “liberals” with “Republicans,” Meghan McCain would be describing herself. While they were tempted to leave it in due to the hilarity factor, the current economic situation in this country, and the lack of jobs therein, wouldn’t allow them to take such a risk, sadly.
6. Being a Role Model is Hard, but I Get By With a Little Help From My Friends Tila Tequila and Courtney Love
Celebrity is Meghan McCain’s crack. She wants to meet celebrities, she wants to interview celebrities, but most of all, she wants to be a celebrity. To that end, every minor brush with a Hollywood D-lister is carefully cataloged on Meghan’s Twitter account and in her column. And then there was this chapter devoted to her celebrity friends, rejected by the fine folks at Hyperion:
I’m a famous celebrity author so I get to meet oodles of open-minded progressive rock stars. (And I mean real rock stars, not narsty conservative “rock stars” like She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named.) I love meeting fans who look up to me and stuff, but for a rockin’ pop culture maven like me, hanging with celebs is the penultimate. (But I luv you, Twitter fam!)
Anyway, not to name drop, but I know you’ve heard of one of my BFFs Tila Tequila, the star of the awesome bisexual reality show “Shot of Love”? We totes hung out when I was in L.A. and she is THE BOMB! Wha? I said THE BOMB!
And my Twitter BFF Courtney Love? I tweeted “Big fan Courtney, you’re Celebrity Skin album was the soundtrack to my teenage years! xoxoxo” and she tweeted back “I love her @McCainBlogette rocks! xoxoxo.” Soul mates, am I right? How hawt is that?
See, people think Republicans aren’t hip and they don’t realize that women of my generation are sex-positive and progressive and tolerant like Tila. And also Courtney because even though she’s old she’s from Hollywood. I’ve even had sex and my dad knows about it now that I said so on TV. And so, so, so many girls look up to me which is why I’m bringing back the cool to the G to the O to the P with my message of tolerance and gay marriage. NO H8, peeps!
Plus, did you see my interview with hottie Republican Rep. Aaron Schock? How hip is that?
Meghan’s editor gently explained that the drug-addled, scandal-ridden has-beens she chooses to befriend don’t do much for the whole “I’m a role model” narrative. To which Meghan replied, “You’re old so you just don’t get my generation, H8er! I believe the children are the future! I bet you’re older than Laura Ingraham.” Meghan left in a huff, but agreed to rework her tales of Hollywood hobnobbing.
7. Ted Kennedy Was Totally My Super Snuggly Lion of the Senate
To any thinking person with a shred of decency, the hagiography foisted on us upon Senator Ted Kennedy‘s death was repugnant. Not only did Meghan McCain not find the hagiography offensive (to be fair, she may not know what that means), but she added to it with her own glowing reports of Ted Kennedy. To score points with her Progressive buddies, she hoped to expand on her deep insight into Kennedy’s character (term used loosely) in her book:
So, you guys, I wrote an essay at The Daily Beast – do you all know that I write there? I totally do – that was the bomb when my snuggly lion of the Senate, TEd Kennedy, died. I’m a Progressive Republican so I’m above all that icky partisan stuff. And I’m super cool and hip and a true individual – and all my friends who invite me to their parties say that Ted Kennedy was awesome.
I mean, some people started with the hate, bringing up Mary Jo Kopechne and her drowning, but they are just intolerant, divisive and not uber enlightened. Because, you know, I’m deep and thoughtful and stuff. And I was thinking, like, she could have ended up being one of those meany pants Conservatives. Luckily, most of the Press, like Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert, saw it my way.
Plus, Teddy totally knew how to par-tay! He wasn’t a big, old stick in the mud like those fun-squashing conservatives. Isn’t that what matters here?Also, ZOMG – Camelot!111!! So super cool. I miss Teddy. *Sad Face*
Chapter was omitted because the editors realized that, if anything, at the time of Kennedy’s death most people were weeping for Mary Jo Kopechne, a woman whose life was snuffed out in its prime. A woman who was left to suffocate to death in a submerged car by Ted Kennedy and who was being called a FOOTNOTE by many on the Left. They also realized that the regaling as a hero of a man who committed negligent homicide, serial philandering, sexual harassment, and drunk driving perhaps wasn’t a good thing. And those were just the crimes in his personal life.
8. Paul Begala Chugs H8r-ade
The editorial team assigned to Meghan McCain didn’t realize how much their diplomatic skills would be tested in their dealings with the self-styled “progressive Republican.” At least, not until she submitted a chapter about her appearance on “Real Time With Bill Maher.”
We have to bridge the divide in this country between smart, tolerant progressives and bible-thumping RethugliKKKan h8ers. And since I represent the best of both worlds, I went on “Real Time With Bill Maher.” Because like my dad, I’m all about bipartisanship. And tweeting with Snooki!
So I did the show, and even though I’m the good kind of inclusive Republican, this old dude named Paul Begala got h8r-ade all over my cute black suit that I bought special for TV. OMG, he was so vicious like a conservative or something even though he totally has mountains of liberal cred. Anyway, what happened is I told this guy that I loathe Bush like all intelligent and enlightened people, but it’s time for Obama to stop blaming Bush for everything. And then this happened:
PAUL BEGALA, DEMOCRATIC STRATEGIST: Not to enough of a degree. I’m sorry. Not nearly enough. Ronald Reagan blamed Jimmy Carter every day for eight years. In the speech – in the speech, what President Bush said one of the things he’s had to adjust to…
MCCAIN: I wasn’t born yet, so I don’t know.
BEGALA: I wasn’t born during the French Revolution, but I know about it.
MAHER: He’s a mean man, Paul Begala.
MCCAIN: You clearly know everything. So – and I’m just a blonde sitting here.
I think he h8ed on me because I’m young and blonde. How am I supposed to know stuff that happened all the way back in the sixties? But duh! This isn’t shocking. Republican women always get treated so unfair. Except for Sarah Palin — she was totally asking for it.
When Meggie Mac agreed to do Maher’s show, she saw an opportunity to raise her profile as The Future of the GOP, the hip young thang come to save the Party of Decrepit Old White Men. Much to her utter surprise, fellow guest Paul Begala didn’t break out the kid gloves especially for Senator McCain’s little girl. Instead, he challenged her arguments as he would any other guest, and demanded that she act like a grownup if she wanted to be treated like one.
The Hyperion editors had a hell of a time explaining to Meghan that Begala didn’t actually “h8” on her so much as voice his disagreement. When she sniped at him, he sniped right back, not because she’s “just a blonde,” but because she said something foolish. Unfortunately, Meghan’s editors were a little too diplomatic in helping her see her mistake. We haven’t confirmed, but it’s possible that Meghan’s preferred take on this incident ended up in the final proofs.
9. Tea Partiers Are Racist and CPAC Is, Like, Totally For Old, Unhip Dudes.
To Meghan McCain, a self-avowed “Progressive Republican,” anyone who doesn’t jive with her self-aggrandizing and limited world-view is beneath her. Yeah, that’s where the Progressive part comes in, clearly. She’s not only Smarter Than Us, she’s also Better Than Us. She’s too cool for we drooling rubes, you see. Of course, she bases this solely on fantasy and not on reality, much as she based her assertion that the tea parties have an “innate racism.” She obviously sees what she thinks is cool to see, as a proposed chapter of her book indicates quite clearly:
For reals, that Rand Paul dude shows that those tea party people are totally racist. And weird. I mean, some don’t even listen to Lady Gaga! And they drink beer instead of cosmopolitans or sex on the beach! Probably because they are so uptight about sex. Did I tell you all that I love sex? I’m super progressive like that. I mean, you can’t like sex if you don’t talk about it all the time and shout it out to all who will listen or who are forced to listen, right? As if.
I totally talked about it in one of my cutting edge The Daily Beast essays:
But when the movement was given the opportunity to present specific solutions and answer real questions, its leaders nominated someone who–yet again–revealed weird, racist undertones, no matter how he wants to spin it.
Spin is one of those fancy political terms some of you who aren’t as cool and, like, worldly as I am might not know. But, whatevs. It’s totally true. Like, CPAC, too. You know they are full of homophobes, right? They totally bashed gays. My friend, Alan Colmes, said so. He said “CPAC insults gays” and he’s, like, a moderate and all. Plus, he’s ON TV! So, you know, it’s fact.
I’d never set a Christian Louboutin-clad foot at CPAC until they get hip and change the P part to Progressive. We are the future and stuff. Also, Christian Louboutin is the only kind of cool Christian.
The racist part was laughable, because it’s been shown time and time again that it is Meghan McCain’s “progressive” buddies who are the ones who only see things in black and white. Literally. It was also easily discerned, by anyone who can watch a YouTube video, that CPAC booed the sole protester of GOProud off the stage. CPAC took GOProud as a co-sponsor of the conference, and the crowd booed the protester off the stage. They defended GOProud.
But, naturally, Miss Meggie Mac had assumed that it was CPAC who bashed GOProud. She tweeted something to that effect, but, of course, deleted it once it was shown to her that she was, in fact, an idiot. It’s obvious to all thinking people that she only takes such positions so she can be perceived as the only voice – the oh-so-hip savior- who’s got “the gays” back. It’s her “thing”, otherwise there is nothing Maverick-y about her. Once again, a “progressive” using people for their own ends.
Final result? Chapter omitted due to Meghan McCain being a huge boob. Oh wait. We aren’t supposed to mention those or we are H8ers. Because, as everyone knows, someone who doesn’t want to be noticed at all posts pictures of her boobs pushed up beyond the bounds of normal gravity.
10. Why Do Unprogressive Republicans Call Me Meggie Mac?
When this witless, whining, profanity-laden jumble of phrases landed in Meghan’s editor’s inbox, rumor has it that a tear rolled down her cheek and onto her desk. The chapter began:
My name is Meghan McCain. Meghan f***ing McCain. I’m a f***ing celebrity! So why do all these f***ing conservatives keep calling me Meggie Mac?
It’s not like there’s an A in McCain. Well, I mean, not between the M and the first C anyway. If they won’t call me Meghan McCain, then I am TOTES picking my own nickname. My middle name starts with an M so they could call me MMM. Except that wouldn’t be very progressive because mmm sounds like a catcall. NOT progressive at ALL. But if it’s mmm like “Mmm, mmm, mm, Barack Hussein Obama,” that would be totally inclusive and respectful of our dreamy president. Maverick FTW!
This chapter went directly into what Hyperion editors now refer to as the Shredder of Shame.
11. When This Book Becomes A Movie
Meghan’s editors originally hoped to end Dirty Sexy Politics with this chapter, but decided to hold out for something more substantive. Their mistake.
OMG! If this book is in your hands right now it means I am soooo close to selling movie rights! I want Hillary Duff to play me. Like I told the Daily News, “I think she’s really hot – hotter than me – but I’d still want her to play me.”
Plus my bestest friend Tila Tequila HAS to be in it. It’ll be so dirty and sexy, just like this book. LOL!
Wait, wake up! No falling asleep while you read my book! This is totally divisive. H8er!!!!
By Lori Ziganto and Jenn Q. Public
(Originally posted at David Horowitz’s NewsReal Blog)
Follow Lori on Twitter and read more of her work at Snark and Boobs, iOwntheWorld , NewsReal, and Red State.
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