by John Hawkins | November 12, 2002 9:51 am
Helpful Hints For Democrats — How To Win In 2004: After spending almost an entire week listening to the pitiful mewling of Democrats across the web about their losses in the 2002 elections, I’ve decided to help them out. I’m sure a lot of Conservatives will be very angry at me for giving the left lots of great advice, but it’s the right thing to do. Here are the key things the left can do to take back the House, Senate, and Presidency in 2004.
1) Stand For Something: If the left had really talked up their great ideas in 2002 they would have energized their base and won huge. That’s why the left can’t afford to make the same mistake this time around. They’ve got to push reparations, demand a total ban on handguns, outlaw SUVS to raise fuel efficency, call for America to sign up for Kyoto, ask for socialized medicine, & send more congressmen and senators to Baghdad speak out against this filthy war. Replacing Gephardt with Nancy Pelosi was a great start, now they need to remove Daschle and put a real liberal fighter like Robert Byrd or Kennedy in charge of the Dems in the Senate. That would give Americans a real liberal agenda to vote for.
2) Tell The Truth About The GOP Menace: Did the GOP kill Carnahan, Wellstone, & Ron Brown and rig the elections in 2002? Judging by a lot of popular left-wing pages on the web, a significant part of the Democrat’s base thinks so. That’s why the left needs more leaders who’ll put the word out about this sort of thing! It’s not enough to have people like Ted Rall & Gore Vidal pushing these theories, the left needs John Kerry, Hillary Clinton, John Edwards and other Democratic leaders getting these conspiracies in front of the American people!
3) Al Gore in 2004!!!: Al Gore won in 2000 and the left needs to give him another shot to take out Bush in 2004. Just running Gore will energize the base and the American people will turn out in droves to right the wrongs of the 2000 election! Especially since Gore is now voting his conscience on the war and has gotten all “cool” now. He’s going on Saturday Night Live you know and he just did Futurama! That’s exactly what an Alpha Male would do!
4) Give The GOP Enough Rope To Hang Themselves: Left-wingers all know that if the GOP gets what they want, America will become a police state/theocracy/third world country by 2002. That’s why the left should simply abstain on every vote. Then no one can blame the left for getting in the way of the way of the GOP agenda in 2004 and no one can hold the left responsible for what happens. That is political akido at its best!
As a Conservative, I certainly hope the left doesn’t throw us into that briar patch…ehr…do all these things for the next two years or it’ll be a huge sweep for the Democrats in 2004!
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