Iraqi Disarmament Argument (based on Monty Python’s “Argument Clinic” skit)

by John Hawkins | February 28, 2003 11:55 pm

Iraqi Disarmament Argument By The Mad Swede: This is based on Monty Python’s “Argument Clinic[1]” skit. If you like Python, you should like this…if not, I make no promises as to how much you’re going to enjoy this…

USA: (Knock)
Saddam Hussein: Come in.
USA: Ah, Is this the right place for disarmament?
Saddam Hussein: I told you once that I’ve disarmed.
USA: No you haven’t.
Saddam Hussein: I’ve already disarmed.
USA: When?
Saddam Hussein: Just now.
USA: No you didn’t.
Saddam Hussein: Yes I did.
USA: You didn’t
Saddam Hussein: I did!
USA: You didn’t!
Saddam Hussein: I’m telling you I did!
USA: You did not!!
Saddam Hussein: Oh, I’m sorry, just one moment. Do you mean full disarmament or just a couple of missiles?
USA: Oh, full disarmament.
Saddam Hussein: Ah, thank you. Anyway, I did.
USA: You most certainly did not.
Saddam Hussein: Look, let’s get this thing clear; I quite definitely disarmed.
USA: No you did not.
Saddam Hussein: Yes I did.
USA: No you didn’t.
Saddam Hussein: Yes I did.
USA: No you didn’t.
Saddam Hussein: Yes I did.
USA: No you didn’t.
Saddam Hussein: Yes I did.
USA: You didn’t.
Saddam Hussein: Did.
USA: Oh look, this isn’t compliance with UN Resolution 1441.
Saddam Hussein: Yes it is.
USA: No it isn’t. It’s just defiance.
Saddam Hussein: No it isn’t.
USA: It is!
Saddam Hussein: It is not.
USA: Look, you just contradicted me.
Saddam Hussein: I did not.
USA: Oh you did!!
Saddam Hussein: No, no, no.
USA: You did just then.
Saddam Hussein: Nonsense!
USA: Oh, this is futile!
Saddam Hussein: No it isn’t.
USA: I came here for a full accounting for destruction of your weapons.
Saddam Hussein: No you didn’t; no, you came here for compliance.
USA: Compliance isn’t just saying “I’ve disarmed.”
Saddam Hussein: It can be.
USA: No it can’t. Compliance is revealing and destroying weapons of mass destruction in full view of U.N. inspectors.
Saddam Hussein: No it isn’t.
USA: Yes it is! It’s not just empty statements.
Saddam Hussein: Look, if I comply with the UN, I must say I’ve disarmed.
USA: Yes, but full disarmament isn’t just saying “I’ve disarmed.”
Saddam Hussein: Yes it is!
USA: No it isn’t!
USA: Disarmament is an open process. Declarations of de-weaponizing absent records or hard evidence of actual destruction of WMDs is useless.

Pause

Saddam Hussein: No it isn’t.
USA: It is.
Saddam Hussein: Not at all.
USA: Now look.
Saddam Hussein: (Rings bell) Good Morning.
USA: What?
Saddam Hussein: That’s it. Good morning.
USA: I was just getting started.
Saddam Hussein: Sorry, the inspections are done.
USA: That was never disarmament!
Saddam Hussein: I’m afraid it was.
USA: It wasn’t.

Pause

Saddam Hussein: I’m sorry, but I’m not allowing inspections anymore.
USA: What?!
Saddam Hussein: If you want me to allow inspections, you’ll have to pass another UN resolution.
USA: Yes, but that was never compliance, just now. Oh come on!
Saddam Hussein: (Hums)
USA: Look, this is ridiculous.
Saddam Hussein: I’m sorry, but I’m not allowed to argue unless you’ve passed another U.N. resolution.
USA: Oh, all right. (passes 18th resolution against Iraq)
Saddam Hussein: Thank you.

Pause

USA: Well?
Saddam Hussein: Well what?
USA: That wasn’t really compliance, just now.
Saddam Hussein: I told you, I’m not going to allow inspections unless you’ve passed a UN resolution.
USA: I just did!
Saddam Hussein: No you didn’t.
USA: I DID!
Saddam Hussein: No you didn’t.

If you liked this skit by the Mad Swede you can see more of his work at Viking Pundit[2].

Endnotes:
  1. Argument Clinic: http://www.duke.edu/~pms5/humor/argument.html
  2. Viking Pundit: http://vikingpundit.blogspot.com/

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