by John Hawkins | November 12, 2002 5:07 pm
Memo To All Vast Right Wing Conspiracy Members:
To: All members of the VRWC
From: VRWC VP Tom Delay
Concerning: Celebration Time!
It’s been a great week to be a member of the VRWC! We won the elections, killed Saddam Hussein and replaced him with a cyborg double, and we just signed a deal with a deal with Ecuador that will guarantee we have enough child labor to build cheap handguns for every man, woman, and child in the United States. It doesn’t get much better than that!
Since we won the election, I thought now would be a good time to let everyone know about a few exciting projects we have coming up…
— We’re planning to assassinate Simpsons creator Matt Groening for taking our theme song and giving it to the “Stonecutters.” No one else takes credit for fixing the Oscars, no one!
— Our science division has now modified a Predator drone to fire hundreds of rolls of toilet paper per minute. We’re planning to “roll” the UN, followed by Yassir Arafat’s compound, and then last but not least Cynthia McKinney’s house. If you have any other suggestions, please drop them in the suggestion box next to the glass jar containing Osama Bin Laden’s head.
— We have yet to come up with a mind-control ray that can defeat those accursed tinfoil hats, but the science division hope to have something by the end of the year.
There are also a couple of concerns I felt that we needed to address…
— We need to clone a woman other than Britney Spears people. The latest numbers from the lab show we have 1.6 Britney Spears clones for every male member. Haven’t you guys heard of Jennifer Lopez, Anna Kournikova, Mariah Carey, Jeri Ryan, or Lucy Liu? There has to be another woman out there worth cloning!
— Whoever has been “borrowing” saucer #3 and zooming those folks out in the mountains of Tennessee needs to stop goofing around before someone gets something on tape. It’s all fun and games until the Weekly World News does another story and Donald Rumsfeld makes us put the saucers back in storage!
Last but not least…
The party at the island in the middle of the Bermuda Triangle is on this week-end and yes the Star Trek style holosuites are finally online! We also finally caught a sasquatch, in fact, we think he’s the LAST sasquatch! Our specially trained Britney Spears clones will be slicing and dicing him up and serving him with a delicious wine sauce while we watch members of al-Queda and Hamas battle to the death in a gladiator arena for our amusement. Be there or be square for the hottest VRWC party of the year!
VRWC VP Tom Delay
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