The Essence Of US Foreign Policy

by John Hawkins | October 11, 2002 9:21 pm

The Essence Of US Foreign Policy: One of our readers, Andy Freeman, managed to explain US foreign policy in three easy steps in our comments section…

“US foreign policy is very easy to understand. It has three parts:

(1) If you have cool stuff, we’d like to buy it.
(2) If you have money, we’d like to sell you our cool stuff.
(3) If you try to kill Americans (and yes, everyone knows what that means), you’re dead meat.”

I’m sure this list will annoy Europeans to no end because it doesn’t have 903934093 steps and they hate anything that’s “simplistic.” Well, it may seem simplistic — but that’s only because we don’t tell you ALL the details. Sure there are really only three rules — but there all kinds of subsections Europeans never get told about. Like subsections…

(1) AB6TH — Screw the French and the Germans — especially the French!

(2) ACD78 — It is fine to throw pieces of rotten fruit at the back of Kofi Annan’s head at UN meetings. But only if no one has a camera and there is an Iraqi, Iranian, or Chinese dignitary nearby to blame it on.

(3) AAA43B — “When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.” – Sir Winston Churchill

If you want to see the rest of them you’ll have to borrow one of our “foreign policy rule books” from an American friend — if they’ll let you see them. Normally we only give them out to Aussies, Israelis, and Brits but if you ask really nicely — then they’ll be obliged to ask the CIA to kill you. Sorry, that’s subsection (3) ACR4D…

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