by John Hawkins | February 21, 2003 11:59 pm
The VRWC Commemorative Knives Are In: I received a letter today from VRWC membership chairman George Bush Sr and I decided to post it to RWN. I’m not really supposed to do that, but I’m sure that I can trust all of you not to spread it around — mainly because the VRWC is monitoring all of your phone calls and email accounts to make sure that you don’t talk.)
Greetings Fellow VRWC Member
In order commemorate the GOP’s wins in last November’s elections, we’ve decided to send each and every member of the VRWC a knife.
You can choose between the, “Donald Rumsfeld Silver Hippy Stabber” model and the “Jonah Goldberg Golden Cheese Eating Surrender Monkey Sticker.” As you’d expect, the knives are of the highest quality. Our agents spent years searching for irreplaceable cultural artifacts from ancient cultures so we could melt them down. Then after we acquired the silver and gold we needed, we hired the finest craftsmen from poverty stricken South American countries, promised them pennies a day if they’d hand craft these knives, and of course then cheated them out of their pay.
Now, we have already had some complaints about the fact that we chose to give out commemorative knives instead of Predators or Ronald “Maximus” Reagan M-Class Mech Warriors and I’m sure you’ve all seen Ms. Coulter’s letter suggesting that we each get a commemorative suitcase nuke.
Unfortunately, the last time we starting handing out heavy duty hardware like that, Bill O’Reilly took over half of Belgium before we made him give it back. Luckily, since we are talking about Belgium here, no one noticed. But, we can’t take a chance that some of you might get a little overzealous and start trying to take over important countries — well at least until our cybernetic monkey army is fully trained.
Besides, as an ex-head of the CIA, I’ve learned to appreciate the subtle merits of a knife. Sure, there’s nothing wrong with simply firing a missile into someone’s house if you need to have them killed. But, does that really create the same sort of creeping paranoia as finding a trusted aide dead with a note that says “You’re next Noriega!” pinned to his back with an exquisite hand carved knife? I think not!
So select your knife and we’ll hand it out at the next meeting in Area 51. We finally got that old saucer working after all these years and we’re going to take it out for a spin after we dine on some rare endangered Panda.
See you then!
PS: Thanks to VRWC member James Corbett for designing the knives.
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