by John Hawkins | January 15, 2003 11:15 am
VRWC Spam Letter To Europe: If a bunch of nearly illiterate Nigerian thugs can scam suckers out of millions of dollars with their email scams, then why can’t I do the same thing? Introducing the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy spam email….
I got your contact from a nice young Democratic activist who we kidnapped and forced to work in one of the secret “Bush oil wells” in the “no-fly zones” in Iraq.
I am John Hawkins, a nephew of Henry Kissenger, the current head of Security for the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy. Unfortunately, last month Condi Rice decided to challenge Henry for the position. Per the rules, the winner was the first one able to kill 50 terrorists imported from Gitmo with one of our Ronald “Maximus” Reagan M-Class Mech Warriors. Henry won, but we began to suspect that Condi was a sore loser when a Hellfire missile fired from a Predator hit one of Henry’s mansions the next day. Then there was the poison in the caviar, the cobras someone put in the bathtub, and the brainwashed Jennifer Anniston clone who tried to strangle Henry with her bra.
At this point, we’ve been forced to go on the run to the one place Condi won’t dare come after us — Crawford, Texas. During the mad dash out to the AC-130 gunship that was flying us away, I ran across two trunks full of cash that Henry made from his child labor sweatshops in Guatemala. Unfortunately, he hadn’t yet deposited the money in his Swiss bank accounts.
Much to our dismay, the heat is still on in Crawford. W. is keeping Condi away from us — for now. But, no one has been able to calm her down yet. Every time we think Jonah Goldberg or William Buckley is about to get Condi to forget about trying to assassinate Henry, Ann Coulter will start getting her all fired up again (Henry sent Ann a Jimmy Carter bobblehead doll for Christmas and Ann hasn’t forgiven him yet).
So that’s why I need your help. I need you to come to Crawford, Texas to pick up the 30 million dollars that was in uncle Henry’s trunks so you can take it to Marget Thatcher’s villa on the Thames. If you’re willing to help us out, not only will I give you 30% of the money, I’ll get you into the VRWC. I’m hoping to hear from you as soon as possible. Make sure to keep this email confidential since the VRWC scans and reads all emails going in and out of Europe to see if anyone over there has gotten wind of our upcoming invasion. I expect to hear from you as soon as possible. In fact, make sure to respond today before Condi hears about this and has you eliminated (if you see a woman who looks like Jennifer Anniston walking towards you with a bra in her hands, run for your life).
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