by John Hawkins | June 18, 2003 12:01 am
A Buck Solution for Peace in the Middle East By Frank J: Recently I offered a solution for peace in the Middle East, but now I’ve decided to get a military opinion on the matter. That’s why I’ve asked Buck the Marine for his ideas on solving the conflict between the Israelis and Palesinians.
“Hi, I’m Buck, Buck the Marine. I kill foreigners. Usually I’m not involved in no strategery though; I just take orders like, “Go kill those foreigners.” Then I kill those foreigners and leave the reasoning to other people, like Rumsfeld, who’s smart and hates all foreigners. But I was asked for my opinion, so here it is.
Now, as I understand it, a bunch of Jews decided they wanted to live in the midst of angry Muslims. Seems like a crazy idea, but there’s no reason people should be blowing up little children. The Palestinians think it’s all right to do that because of their religion, but Jesus wouldn’t like people blowing up children. He probably wouldn’t stab those people with a Ka-Bar, but you’re asking for Buck’s solution, not Jesus’s. I’d go door to door asking, “Do you like blowing up children?”
And, if the person answered, “No, I do not.”
I’d say, “Good evening, sir,” and be on my way.
But if, the person answered, “Yes, blowing up children is good,” I’d stick him with my Ka-Bar. When all the people who like blowing up children are good and stabbed, then you’ll be on the road to peace. And, if I understand it correctly, that should stop the suicide bombing, since you need to be alive to commit suicide.
The other problem is this Hamas, who the Israelis want a cease-fire with. I have a lot of experience with situation where I wished the other side would cease firing. My best solution was to shoot those people with my M-16 which would usually caused them to cease fire. Once, though, some guy I shot got a death grip on the trigger of a machine gun, so it kept firing even though he was dead. At that point, we just had to wait for it to run out of ammo. I guess the lesson there is that sometimes peace takes patience, so I could probably sum up my philosophy for peace as being “patience and killing”, not necessarily in that order.
Now, whoever is left could just try and talk things out, but, if that don’t work, things can always be settled the Marine way. Get all the Israelis and all the Palestinians together and have them battle outright, and the first one all dead loses.
Well, that about all this Marine has to say. Just remember that peace takes time, energy, ammo, and, sometimes, tactical air strikes.
And one last thing: Ooh-rah!”
Thanks, Buck, and, because I couldn’t fit in here in some subtle way, buy my t-shirt!
If you enjoyed this satire by Frank J. you can read more of his at IMAO.
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