A Frank Guide to Preventing Voter Fraud By Frank J.

by John Hawkins | October 21, 2004 12:24 am

People are trying to subvert democracy, and it’s up to us to stop them. Thus, we need to stop voter fraud. Here are some tips on how to do that:

* Post signs saying, “If You Vote Incorrectly, You Will Be Shot.” If someone charges voter intimidation, stare at him menacingly.

* If you see someone trading crack for voter registrations, take the crack away and don’t give it back until he apologizes.

* If someone is wearing red, he may be a Communist! Don’t let him vote but instead throw him in the pokey.

* Monkeys aren’t allowed to vote, so, if you see any monkeys, chase them away! Bad monkeys interfering with democracy!

* A terrorist attack is a great way to distract from an election. If a nuclear bomb goes off, don’t take your eyes off that ballot box!

* Yank on everyone’s mustaches to make sure no one is trying to vote again with a fake mustache. If someone protests, he must be a fraudster! Into the pokey with him!

* Democrats are known for fraud or just voting wrong, so it’s best to just not let them vote.

* Check everyone’s ID before letting him or her vote. You can tell if an ID is real if it burns with a blue flame.

* Watch over everyone’s shoulders as they vote to make sure they’re doing nothing fraudulent. If someone complains, he must be a fraudster! Into the pokey with him.

* If you catch a fraudster, hang him on the spot. His corpse will then discourage others from fraud. If someone complains of voter intimidations, remind the person you have more rope.

* If someone has shifty looking eyes to you, he’s probably a fraudster! Better safe than sorry, so throw him in the pokey.

* Everyone should only get one vote. If someone says he won a second vote in a McDonalds giveaway, carefully inspect the free vote card to see if it appears real.

Remember: Democracy is important, so, whenever in doubt, throw someone in the pokey

If you enjoyed this satire by Frank J., you can read more of his work at IMAO[1].

  1. IMAO: http://imao.us/

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