A Preview Of Tonight’s CBS Evening News With Dan Rather

by John Hawkins | September 21, 2004 12:10 am

A CBS News investigation has confirmed that the Vietnam War lasted at least five years longer than it should have solely because of President George W. Bush. People who knew Mr. Bush at the time have revealed to us that, while collapsed drunk in the basement of a Yale frat house, the would-be president – in addition to providing a complete arsenal of weapons to the enemy – caused the collapse of the Dutch tulip market in 1636, spread syphilis throughout northern New Zealand and wrote the outline for a screenplay that would lead to the Jennifer Lopez-Ben Affleck film “Gigli”…

In other news, according to CBS News sources, Democratic presidential challenger rescued 300 babies from a burning building while giving a speech on how he would eliminate the national deficit, bring about everlasting world peace and end male-pattern baldness all within the first week of his administration…

And this just in, a new poll conducted by CBS News of women aged 18-25 with huge breasts have voted this reporter the sexiest man in America…

Meanwhile in sports, sources have informed CBS News that the Montreal Expos, led by the Icelandic singing sensation Bjork, continue to hold a commanding lead in the National League East and are on a pace to win their third straight World Series title…

And finally in weather, officials have told CBS News that no major hurricanes have been reported in Florida or elsewhere along the Gulf Coast in the past month.

If you enjoyed this satire by the Chortler, you can read more of their work here[1].