Abu Ghraib; One Year Later — Satire By Liberal Larry

by John Hawkins | April 28, 2005 4:41 pm

I watched Senator Kennedy’s historic speech on C-SPAN yesterday morning in awed silence.

“…A man in dark hood and cape, standing on a cardboard box with electrodes hooked to his body. Naked men simulating lewd acts on each other. Naked civilians being chased by dogs. Rape. Murder. Sexual deviance. Free balloons for the kids. Everyone’s invited out to Martha’s Vineyard this Saturday for a traditional Kennedy Family weekend. But now, on to more serious business – the one-year anniversary of the horrible atrocities committed at Abu Ghraib.”

It took him eleven tries to pronounce “Abu Ghraib”. He finally settled on something close to “Abba Bin Babba” and concluded his momentous speech by accidentally knocking his cocktail off the podium and staggering out of the room. I sat there staring at the TV for several moments, moved to tears by his effluvial oratory, before I was suddenly overcome by a wave of panic.

“Occupied Iraq?” “Deepest fall from grace in our history”? Good Goddess, the troops are going to think we’re all bunch of slavering, America-hating moonbats! That drunken, yet factually correct imbecile is going to completely blow our cover! We’ll never convince the murderous troops to desert now!

I had to do something and quick. I picked up the phone and called all my Support Our Murderous Troops buddies for an emergency meeting at my place. Together, we’d devise a way to repair the damage that Senator Kennedy had wrought and show our murderous troops there were no hard feelings. Several hours of discussion and about 40 bongs hits later, we decided to send a care package to a random murderous troop, along with letters of support and encouragement (although such support and encouragement must in no way be construed as support for Bush or his illegal and immoral war on terror).

This was no easy task. Many of us are still suffering from Post-Wedgie Stress Disorder, thanks to the very same bullying jocks who are now serving in Iraq. Some of our more sensitive members break into high-pitched, feminine shrieking at the mere mention of the troops. But once I had finally shrieked myself hoarse, it was decided that I would write one letter for all of us, and everyone else would sign their name to it provided they could stop trembling with fear long enough to grasp a pen.

After a few rough drafts, I produced a final version that everyone was happy with, one that expressed the love we have for the brave men and womyn fighting overseas, while effectively conveying our patriotic disgust for the job they are doing:

Dear Mindless Drone of the Military-Industrial Complex,

We the members of Support Our Murderous Troops would like to express our thanks for your courageous service, although it must in no way be construed as support for Bush or his illegal and immoral war on terror. Unlike the kneejerk jingoists who think that “patriotism” means slapping a yellow ribbon on the back of their SUV, Support Our Murderous Troops believes that the best way to show support for our murderous troops is to bring them home as quickly as possible, preferably with their tails tucked between their legs.

Today marks the one-year anniversary of the Abu Ghraib attrocities. You’re probably already getting ready to torture a few innocents in celebration, but we’re not here to judge you. Support Our Murderous Troops fully understands that low pay, the lack of basic armor and equipment, poor training, and general incompetence is a severe strain on your morale. With expressions of artistic freedom frowned upon, and consensual, same-sex relationships strongly discouraged if not expressly forbidden, the Pentagon has essentially denied you the means to relieve the everyday stress of battle. As a result, the primitive, neanderthal beserker bloodlust you developed in basic training has manifested itself into ghastly acts of brutal, inhuman aggression against the innocent Iraqi peoples, jeopardizing our standing in the international community as well as our crediblity with Al Qaeda and the Taliban. This is by no means your fault, but rather symptomatic of failed leadership at the highest level.

NO! It WAS your fault! I know it was you, Mike Jankowski! You’re the one who snuck up behind me outside 4th Period English Lit and yanked my underwear all the way up over my head! Don’t try to deny it, you fascist [email protected]! You were a violent, aggressive cro-mag then and you are NOW!!!!!

In conclusion, the members of Support Our Murderous Troops pray in a completely non-proselytizing manner that you come home safe, although this prayer must in no way be construed as support for Bush or his illegal and immoral war on terror.

In the sincerest hopes that we can, in some way, boost your morale and assuage some of the guilt you must be feeling for all your crimes against humanity, we offer the enclosed items as a token of our undying gratitude:

A photo mosaic[1] of Bush made from the faces of your dead buddies.
A signed copy of Jane Fonda’s autobiography.
Some rainbow stickers for the back of your humvee.
A transcript of John Kerry’s heroic Winter Soldier Testimony.
A G.I. Joe doll with a black hood over its head and electrodes attached to his body in a fashion reminiscent of Jingus Khan.

In addition, the three young womyn in our group asked to include some very special polaroids to “remind ya’ll what you’re fightin’ for.” So enclosed, please find several photographs of an oil derrick in Texas.

Chin up and goddess bless,

Support Our Murderous Troops

P.S. aforementioned “undying gratitude” must in no way be construed as support for Bush or his illegal and immoral war on terror.

We addressed the package to “Any Murderous Troop in Iraq”, with the added disclaimer: “This care package must in no way be construed as support for Bush or his illegal and immoral war on terror” written in small print.

Unfortunately, it never made it to Iraq. I dropped the package off at the post office at 3 o’clock yesterday, and at 7 o’clock this morning the Postal Nazis were banging on my door, demanding to know why I was trying to send a half-wrapped bong to someone named “Abba Bin Babba”.

[email protected] THAT BUSH!

Satire used with the permission of Liberal Larry from BlameBush! You can read more of his work by clicking here[2].

  1. photo mosaic: http://www.artinfo.ru/ru/news/main/photo-bush-mosaic.htm
  2. here: http://blamebush.typepad.com/

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