by John Hawkins | September 1, 2008 1:22 pm
I was happy to have the opportunity to get together for an Interview with Wayne Elise, the founder and CEO of Charisma Artswhich has 15 instructors who run in-field bootcamps and teach men how to meet women. He has written for Esquire and Blender magazine as well as authored an Ebook, “How to Meet and Connect with Women.”
One thing I’ve heard from some of my conservative friends who actually like to date liberals is that the differences are just too great and they can’t bridge the gap and get over that for dating. But, let’s say you want to try anyway, any suggestions?
After years of teaching men how to attract women I’m convinced that the most attractive trait a man can have is a strong set of values. Ironically a woman likes you more she senses your values are more important than getting her to like you. This is especially true for those liberal, hippie chicks. They’re desperate for some structure.
Many conservative people mistakenly avoid bringing up their values. They feel that would somehow scare a potential romantic partner away. But it’s just those sort of ideas that you should talk about. They earn you respect and respect is very close to attraction. Now I don’t mean jumping into a discussion on free-trade policy. I mean talking about the values you feel are important and sticking up for them.
I’ll give you an example. I attended a party once a few years ago thrown by the friends of a liberal woman I was dating. she and I were having a good time just mingling, but then someone lit up a joint. Now I don’t like any type of smoke especially dirty pot smoke but I was hesitant to complain. To do so would be to look like the uptight ___hole and embarrass my date in front of her friends, which would probably end our budding romance. But I had no choice. I had to stick up for myself and what I believed in. I confronted the smokers and asked them to go outside. It was awkward and uncomfortable. I was not especially smooth.
But they moved their dirty deed out the door. Now here is the twist. After leaving the party my date turns to me and says, “I was impressed that you said something to those guys.”
Chivalry, pulling out chairs, opening car doors, etc. Is that still a plus with dating, a minus, or does it depend?
You have to ask yourself why you’re doing these things. Women are generally not comfortable being put on a pedestal these days because of their gender. However I like to be helpful and kind. My policy is to try to do that for everyone. Let me give you a scenario. You’re entering the restaurant with your date. Coming out of the next door is an elderly woman with a walker. You can hold the door for your date or the old woman, but not both. Which do you choose? If you pick your date I think you gotta pick the old woman, unless of course your date uses a walker too.
Now you teach a lot of people how to meet women. Can the things you teach help improve a marriage where say the wife has maybe lost respect for the husband?
Whoa there John. I teach men how to meet women, build attraction and get dates. This marriage thing is a little out of my league don’t you think? Oh well, that has never stopped me from spouting off before.
Being attractive is close, very close, to earning respect. People lose attraction for those they don’t respect. However respect starts with self-respect. A common problem I see in long-term relationships is that men lose their self-respect. Often this resolves around the Sex Riddle. The sex riddle is the idea that the more you need sex the less sexy you become. I know many past clients who have gotten to the point where they are begging their wives for sex. This is not sexy and doesn’t earn a guy respect.
Here is one answer. Men should not just want sex. They should want good sex. Men should be more selective about the conditions for sex for their own benefit. Don’t be too easy. You should want to have candles, back-rubs, maybe some sports memorabilia involved. Don’t be afraid of turning your wife down sometimes. “I find you ravishing, but I want to do it when we have more time to savor the experience.”
PS. I’m married but don’t tell anyone. It’s bad for business.
One relatively unique problem that afflicts conservatives in particular, percentage wise, a lot more of them are into abstinence. What’s the best way to deal with that in a relationship with a partner who has previously been sexually active?
You got to deliver two messages. First that you are going to wait on sex with them, but second that you absolutely find the other person attractive and eventually, if things end in commitment you will have sex with them. You got to say both things together real fast. Too often conservative people just deliver the first message and not the second. That can sound an awful lot like rejection.
Done correctly, waiting on sex can be sexier than just jumping in. In my opinion anticipation is a big part of what makes sex exciting. Without anticipation sex can easily become boring. That’s something liberal just don’t get. Give something to someone before they feel they have deserved it and not only do you spoil them but its just not as good as an experience for them either.
Let’s say you get a phone call from a friend of a friend you have never met. He says to you, “I have some people skills, a job, I make decent money, but I am just terrible with women. Give me some quick advice.” Based on just that information, what would you tell him?
Being successful in a career is different than being successful at the act of meeting women. The two don’t always translate. Too many people approach dating like a job interview. They try to show long-term value and ask bright-eyed questions. Unfortunately this is boring. I have seen women fall asleep in their soups. You got to be more in the moment than that and learn to have fun now. All that other stuff can come later.
When a woman asks about your job she does not really want to hear about the inner-workings of your trucking business. She’s simply inviting you to share yourself and that is the only question that pops into her head. Say something like, “I love my business because it gives me time to pursue my other passions. Which are firing people. No, just kidding. I like kite boarding and traveling up to Sonoma on the weekends. Have you ever pressed some grapes between your toes? I love the squishy feeling.”
So, let’s throw something very basic out there; how does a guy tell when a woman is attracted to him?
Sure there are going to be women who give you come-hither looks. But most women need to taste your personality before they become attracted. You are just not going to see any signs until you demonstrate your sparkling personality. After you have been interacting with her for awhile you can notice things such as her asking you personal questions or doing other things to keep the interaction with you going. If you really want to know for sure just tell her why you are attracted to her, “I find your sense of adventure sexy.” Then sit back and see what she does. If she keeps going along with you chances are she finds you sexy too.
A lot of people are big on pick-up lines. Is a pick-up line all that important?
Depends on the pick up line. I like, “How did a nice girl like you end up wearing that Obama T-shirt?” Seriously, the most important thing is to focus someone before you talk to her. We call this a preamble. This is a statement that gets her attention and builds some anticipation for what is coming next. “Hey, I have a question for you. This may sound crazy but…” That’s a preamble. Just a statement that focus someone and builds anticipation for a question. Then you can ask her what a good book she can recommend or anything that works for your situation. First focus her before you say anything important. Then make her laugh.
There are a lot of different theories about first dates that I’ve heard. Go somewhere expensive, go somewhere casual, like for coffee, go to dinner and a movie, go to dinner and somewhere where you can walk around and chat. What your thought about the best way to approach it?
Go somewhere not expensive. Avoid lunch dates because no one takes them seriously. A woman will plan something to do after lunch so you have no chance of extending the date for more adventure. Make it a night date. I like 7-8PM. That’s a commitment she will have to make because she won’t be able to plan anything much after that. She’s committing to you. I’m pro commitment.
Give people a short briefing on online dating. Good idea? Bad idea? Can you give some quick thoughts on how to approach it?
I don’t think anyone should give up on meeting people in real life. But as an occasional supplement I say go for it. Just be careful of investing too much time and emotional energy. You got to go into these things like an actor auditioning for a movie. Show up but don’t expect much. Hopefully you’ll be pleasantly surprised.
Make your profile as specific as possible. Don’t write, ‘I’m a fun guy who is looking for an adventurous woman’. Instead write, ‘I make people blow milk out their nose and want a woman who gets up at 6AM to hit the mountain bike trails.’
John Hawkins Is a professional blogger who runs Right Wing News and Conservative Grapevine.
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