Ashcroft Asks Congress for Wonder Twin Powers

by John Hawkins | June 6, 2003 1:15 pm

Ashcroft Asks Congress for Wonder Twin Powers By Scott Ott: U.S. Attorney General John Ashcroft asked Congress today to increase the Justice Department’s effectiveness in fighting terrorism by granting his staff so-called “Wonder Twin Powers.”

The special powers, previously only available to Super Friends Zan and Jayna, would allow teams of Justice Department lawyers to assume the shape of almost anything that can be made of water, ice or steam, or the form of any animal.

“We saw in the 1970s how effective Wonder Twin Powers can be,” Mr. Ashcroft told the House Judiciary Committee. “I’m asking permission to put these crime-fighting tools to work to make America safer.”

Under the Ashcroft proposal, government lawyers would wear special rings, and would have to travel in pairs so they could make ring-to-ring contact to “activate” the powers at a moment’s notice.

To control costs, Mr. Ashcroft said, the proposal does not include funding for hundreds of monkeys, similar to Gleek, the Twins’ clever sidekick.

If you liked this satire by Scott Ott, you can read more of his work at Scrappleface[1].