Blue State Liberals Crying In The Rain By Ron Marr

30 Nov, 2004 by John Hawkins

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The most illuminating vignette in Newsweek magazine’s most excellent post-election issue was a line from none other than John Kerry. Arrogant to the core, the elitist ketchup-digger revealed his true feelings toward George Bush – and by extension all us clodhopping carp-chompers in the Red States – with one infamous slip of the tongue.

“I can’t believe I’m losing to this idiot” muttered Kerry in a moment of sputtering confusion, no doubt scratching the bolts on his neck and wondering if his next job would entail being a body-double for Herman Munster.

It has been a month since the election, and the Democrats still can’t believe it. There is a much repeated cliché – attributed to Albert Einstein – that insanity is defined as doing the same thing over and over again while expecting a different outcome. If such is true, then the clones and supplicants of the liberal contingent should jump on the ol’ thorazine train post-haste. In scientific terms, they’re nutty as a fruit-cake.

Rather than accepting reality and striving to regroup, the Blue State liberals grind their capped teeth, yank their woven hair and fiddle with their nose-studs. They visit therapists who hold a dual specialty in both post-election-stress-disorder and locating the inner child of mid-level hedge-fund managers. They still deny that George Bush won a far greater mandate than that which was heralded by the DNC upon the election of Bill Clinton. They still see the Kerry failure as an anomaly. Though they are in no position to make demands, they still scream for the Republicans to compromise. They cajole the Red Staters to reach across the aisle, to joyously implement after-school methadone programs, to offer free condoms to golden retrievers and ban handguns, spitwads, snowballs, lawn darts, Rush Limbaugh and other deadly devices.

In their despondency, Kerry supporters have gone around the bend. They’ve demanded recounts and hatched bizarre conspiracy theories as to how the election was stolen by a domestic cabal consisting of Dick Cheney, Halliburton and 3,000 dead winos who live in the oleander bushes behind a 7-11 in Columbus, Ohio. Unable to accept that they lost, and further unable to accept that loss with grace, a couple members of the latter day Blue Man Group have even decided to shed this mortal coil. I have no doubt the preferred method of self-whacking was a chest shot, as it’s tough to blow your brains out when they can’t be located without the aid of an electron microscope.

The radical libs curse the stupid evangelical Bush voters in Jesusland and threaten to move to Canada en masse. This latter tactic proved to be amusing, as the Canadian government quickly issued a press release stating that disgruntled Blue Staters would have to wait their turn if they chose to emigrate to the most boring and politically correct chunk of tundra on the planet. You know you’re sorta’ obnoxious when even Canada doesn’t want you.

Frankly, I worry about the libs and their geographic escape plans. When they took a shellacking in 2000, lefty icons such as Alec Baldwin and Barbra Streisand told us they were going to move to France. In 2004, the grieving Blues chose Canada. What the heck will happen if they once again are crushed in 2008? Will they all go to Portland, spending their remaining days tossing pink rice at gay marriage ceremonies? Will they all migrate to Seattle, wandering the rain-soaked streets while sipping on a triple soy latte with carob shavings? Will they all move to Idaho and build a tent city on the outskirts of the Heinz compound? One can only hope.

The liberal strategy of sour-grapes and self destruction gets better. The President has appointed new Cabinet members based upon ability, beliefs and shared vision, rather than pandering and political considerations. Talk about diversity. We have Condoleezza Rice as the next Secretary of State. We have Carlos Gutierrez, the Cuban-born chief executive of Kellogg Co., as the nominee to be Commerce Secretary. Alberto Gonzales has been tapped for the Attorney General slot.

But do the liberals celebrate the implementation of the diversity they have long claimed as their most fervent wish? Not on your life. Their talk radio lackeys portray Rice as “Aunt Jemima.” Gutierrez and Gonzales are labeled “yes-men.” You see, the Democrats have their own version of racial profiling. One can only be Hispanic or African-American if they accept the scraps and bones of welfare, if they voluntarily remain in poverty and praise the liberal agenda. To espouse conservative beliefs means you are just another “old, rich white guy,” no matter your age, race or gender.

The final proof of insanity is that the Blues find it repugnant that these Cabinet nominees agree with the President. They think he should hire people who find his goals disgusting (Democrats), people who will spend their time in endless meetings (Democrats), and people who accomplish nothing unless it involves bad-mouthing American traditions and undermining American interests (Democrats, Democrats, Democrats).

They’re really gonna’ freak out when they learn John Ashcroft is on the short list to be the next Chief Justice.

If you enjoyed this column by Ron Marr, you can read more of his work at The Trout Wrapper.