by John Hawkins | April 7, 2005 2:44 pm
WASHINGTON (IFOC) – President Bush signed legislation today authorizing the creation of the Department of Neverland Security and a Cabinet-level position to manage the new bureaucratic entity.
“Visitors to the Neverland Ranch will never again experience the fear of a terrorist attack by Michael Jackson,” said Bush at a press conference. “We hope that we can carry forward the exemplary record of the Department of Homeland Security to this new Department of Neverland Security.”
Along with the creation of the new department, a color-based alert system similar to that of the Department of Homeland Security was announced:
GREEN: Michael Jackson is not on the property. Practice and train on protective measures against attack.
BLUE: Michael Jackson is on the property, but safely sealed in his hyperbaric chamber. Check communications with attorneys.
YELLOW: Michael Jackson is on the property, but there are plenty of witnesses and members of the media around to record any incidents. Increase surveilance of major body orifices.
ORANGE: Michael Jackson is on the property, roaming around with pornographic materials and looking for a tickle-fight. Coordinate efforts with Federal, State, and local law enforcement.
RED: Michael Jackson is naked in the shower and you’re sick from the chemo treatments.
As for who Bush will select to head the Department of Neverland Security, sources say that former child-actor-turned-security expert Gary Coleman is leading his short list of candidates.
Despite his wide appeal, several Democratic Senators hinted that they would resist the selection of Coleman to the position and refuse to vote to confirm his appointment. “The hiring of another underqualified token minority to the Cabinet to cover for the Bush Administration’s blatant racist policies is abhorrent to us,” said a senior member of Senator Kennedy’s staff off of the record. “We would support, however, the selection of Macaulay Culkin or that kid from Webster. They have plenty of experience with Jackson already.”
Satire used with the permission of Laurence Simon of The IFOC News. You can read more of his work by clicking here.
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