CNN to Tally ‘Great Society’ Casualty Figures Daily By Scott Ott

by John Hawkins | August 27, 2003 4:41 pm

The Cable News Network (CNN) said today that it would begin announcing daily casualty tallies related to America’s various tax-funded government-run operations.

The idea came from the daily count many news organizations keep of American Casualties[1] in Iraq.

The following data will be included in CNN’s new ‘Casualties of the Great Society’:
— murders and other violent acts in public housing, or by recipients of public assistance
— public school dropouts
— condoms distributed to teens through schools and other agencies
— abortions by teens and women on public assistance
— low-birth weight and addicted babies born to welfare mothers
— high school dropouts, and illiterate high school graduates imprisoned
— welfare babies who eventually dropout of high school and become welfare mothers by illiterate high school dropouts who are wanted by the police for drug crimes

Senator Tom Daschle said that Democrats will not be deterred by “the constant drip, drip, drip of these statistics.”

“Despite mounting casualties,” he said, “the federal government will continue to fund public education, welfare, subsidized housing and various other entitlement programs for the good of the country.”

If you enjoyed this satire by Scott Ott, you can read more of his work at Scrappleface[2]

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