Common Candidate Mistakes — Satire By Frank J.

by John Hawkins | August 21, 2007 5:57 am

Presidential candidates are always placed under a lot of scrutiny, and thus it’s imperative to avoid mistakes. Here are some basic ones every candidate should be aware of:

COMMON CANDIDATE MISTAKES

* Racial and Ethnic Slurs: Strangely, this one keeps having to be reemphasized. Before you say anything, check to make sure it doesn’t have any racial and ethnic slurs in it. And no matter how much you think Chris Rock’s stand up may pertain to a situation, don’t quote it.

* Tell People Their Children Are Ugly: Statistically, most people’s children are ugly, but parents you want to vote for you don’t need to know that. So, even if someone’s child has overly-large nostrils, a sloping brow, and eyes too close together (or too far apart), don’t point it out. Just try not to look at him.

* Suggest Nuking Mecca: Anyone who has spent anytime thinking about foreign policy has at least pondered nuking Mecca, but don’t actually say it out loud. As neato as a huge religious war may seem, it’s not a good idea.

* Forget Your Pants: Common Kennedy mistake.

* Rely on Stereotypes of People’s Culture: Before meeting a new group of people, it’s best to have someone from that group who is already a supporter to help you out. Don’t rely on stereotypes you’ve learned from TV or your inside the Beltway friends. Despite what you may have heard, the best way to ingratiate yourself with white, male southerners isn’t to shout, “So who’s up for a good lynching?”

* Striking the Elderly: When going around and meeting voters, it’s often hard to resist striking the elderly since they are weak and can’t fight back. Still, it’s a bad idea and can have almost as bad an effect on your seniors’ vote as talking about changing Social Security.

* Botched Jokes: If all you really feel for the rubes in fly-over states is pure disdain, then you probably can’t actually relate to those people enough to tell a joke. If you are to tell a joke, being a politician, you probably won’t understand the humor which will interfere with the joke-telling, so make sure your staff indicates on the script where to pause for a beat and after which line to expect laughter.

* Publicly Urinate on Voters’ Prized Possessions: Again, a common Kennedy mistake.

* Point Out How Poor People Are: You may think you’re making a good point about how bad the economy is and how you plan to fix it, but it’s still a bad idea to sip a martini while looking at supporters and exclaiming, “Wow! Just look at your clothes; you people really do need my help. I’d kill myself if I were as poor as you.”

* Threaten to Invade an Ally: Big rookie mistake. While some groups may actually respond to crazy hawkishness, if you’re campaigning against the hawkishness of the previous administration, then maybe you should at least scan what our diplomatic relations are with a country before threatening to invade them.

* Get Services from Any Business with “Pink” in Its Name: No excuse for this one.

* Remind Everyone How Much Smarter You Are: Saying things like, “This is probably too complex for you Midwesterners, but know I understand everything,” is not a good way to argue issues to people. Also, if you come from a rich, politically-inclined family, you’ve probably just had a lot of people telling you you’re smart when you’re actually a bit of a nitwit.

* Leave a Supporter in a Sinking Car: Those wacky Kennedys,

* Tell the Truth: Whatever you do, don’t say what you’re actually thinking. People who seek political power are a wretched group, and that last thing people want to know is the pure darkness in your heart. Stick to bland pleasantries rather than telling people what you actually believe.

This satire is being used with the permission of IMAO[1].