by John Hawkins | September 19, 2003 4:21 pm
WASHINGTON, D.C. — As Hurricane Isabel roared ashore in North Carolina yesterday, Democrats in Washington DC firmly fixed the blame on President George W. Bush for the ease with which the storm entered the United States, and the destruction it caused.
“Bush’s lax support of Homeland security is to blame for this disaster,” said Senator Ted Kennedy (D-Ma) as he was bundled into an extra-large limo by his aides for a fast trip to the airport. “If only he had tightened our borders properly, this would never have been allowed to happen.” Added Senator Kennedy to his driver, “Don’t you dare take me to Reagan Airport; I get heartburn every time I go near it.”
Congresswoman Nancy Pelosi (D-Ca) gave a statement to reporters, saying “This Administration’s lack of diplomacy is entirely to blame for the strength of this hurricane. If only President Bush had embraced Fidel Castro and dropped all restrictions and sanctions against Cuba, this never would have happened; we would have seen a storm of good-will from the happy people of Cuba instead of this destruction. This President has failed us by allowing this storm to take place.” As she spoke, the Representative’s aides were preparing a reception for Isabel, including a huge sheet cake with a stylised hurricane and the words “Congratulations on Your Immigration, Isabel!” and party favors consisting of offers of free tuition and drivers’ licenses in a variety of names.
Presidential hopeful Congressman Dick Gephardt (D-Mo) was, of course, absent, but sent a prepared statement that “This President is a miserable failure ©”. Another Presidential hopeful, Governor Howard Dean, stated that “this President failed in diplomacy… as President, I would have met the storm in advance and made peace with it, making certain to give in to its demands in order to reduce the damage it would cause.” When asked how many members of the National Guard he would deploy to help during the emergency, Dean replied “I don’t know how many we have, and I don’t have to know, but I’m sure that when I’m President, I can always find someone around who knows these things.”
Senator Robert Byrd (D-W.Va) took the opportunity to add $100 million in pork barrel spending earmarked for West Virginia federally-funded programs to FEMA’s operating budget for next year, to fund such projects as the “White Pillowcase Project”, which will insure that all white males in the state are provided with white pillowcases at federal expense. “This President took the opportunity to don the garb of a Gorton’s Fisherman,” stated Senator Byrd, “in order to declare a state of emergency in a state he was not even in at the time!”
Senator Tom Daschle (D-SD) and Presidential hopeful Senator John Kerry (D-Ma) both voted to fight Hurricane Isabel, then viciously attacked President Bush for doing so. “I only voted for this fight in order to convince the storm the United States meant business,” stated Kerry. “Had I known that anyone would actually take my vote seriously, much less act upon it, I might have voted the same way. Or not. I’m a Vietnam Veteran ©, you know.”
Senator Hillary Clinton (D-NY) blamed the hurricane on “a vast right-wing conspiracy ©” and stated “This terrible hurricane would never have happened when I was President. I mean, when my husband was President. He would have put together an international coalition to appease Isabel.”
California Gubernatorial candidate Arianna Huffington also made a statement, but whether it concerned President Bush or Hurricane Isabel, no one present could say.
If you enjoyed this satire by Cavalier X, you can read more of his work at Cavalier’s Guardian Watchblog.
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