Excerpt Of The Day: A Brilliant Proposal To Deal With Car Theft.

by John Hawkins | March 29, 2006 9:01 am

“His Majesty thinks that it’s about time that Congress adopts a responsible, reasonable and realistic approach to the scourge of vehicular theft or, as we prefer to call it, undocumented possession of an automobile.

For too long, we’ve ignored this problem, creating criminals out of hard-working car thieves undocumented drivers and with very little to show for it. Indeed, for the last decade or so, about 1,200,000 undocumented drivers have been reported every year with absolutely no signs of the number going down.

…Obviously, there is no realistic way that our prison systems can accommodate 12,000,000 undocumented drivers, as some extremist pedestrophobes have suggested. And, of course, that would mean that we’d have to catch them all in the first place, which I think that it’s pretty obvious that we can’t.

Besides, as a nation of highly mobile people living in a vast area where transportation is vitally important, it goes completely against the values upon which we founded this society of ours to adopt such draconian measures against undocumented drivers who, let’s face it, just want a piece of the American Dream, feeling the wind in their hair as they race down the Interstate.

…So I propose that Congress, sooner rather than later, gather to decriminalize undocumented possession of an automobile. Under my program, undocumented drivers will be allowed to drive unattended automobiles that nobody wants to drive at the moment anyway and, after a three year period of driving responsibly, will be given the title to the vehicle in question.

Irresponsible, extremist, hateful and plainly un-American critics have suggested that this is unfair to those who’ve worked hard to gain documented possession of an automobile or even that such a program will discourage purchase of cars and encourage undocumented driving. To them I say… Well, I’m going to say something, as soon as I can come up with a brilliant retort. Rest assured, however, that it’ll include the words “racist”, “elitist”, “snob”, “pedestrophobe”, “totalitarian” and “doo-doo head”, not necessarily in that order.

…With this visionary program, I foresee that car theft will become a thing of the past in short order.” — Misha from The Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiler[1]